Ellington

Finals are starting: You need a boost, and I need a boost. It’s not funny if you’re pondering Jamba Juice and its assortment of free nutritional “boosts.” I don’t want healthy protein. I want nutmeg. And let’s be honest, you can only get Strawberries Wild so many times; get with the program. Anyway, I already know your heart is palpitating from last night’s emergency coffee binge, so let’s just ease you down and converge your thoughts on a thing that’s more communally esteemed: eggnog. It’s the festive solution to reactivating that holiday radiance, which has no doubt been subsiding between buying blue books and falling asleep in inappropriate places. I get it. It’s time the best eggnog on the Ave is revealed to you for the sake of reviving your spirit, even though your academic tension may be spiraling. Oh wait, you don’t like eggnog? Now you do. Just keep in mind that my rankings are in accordance with the fact that I prefer my eggnog understated, like the way I make pasta. For instance, I prefer just butter and cheese compared to an ordeal of meaty red sauce, veggies, and a singing Italian chef as my side dish. If you’re into the latter preference, don’t call me. Get the picture? I’m a bit of a simpleton when it comes to flavor, and yes I am aware that makes me 11 years old. Regardless, here is the official list — your definitive eggnog guide.

Café on the Ave — $4.13 (Eggnog Latte)

Gorgeously presented, and velvety in taste. The coffee is not burnt in the least bit, and there appears to be a supremely equal distribution between eggnog and all other added ingredients. The taste is subtle yet widespread in the mouth, and the barista made it for me in under a minute with a foamed leaf design as a finishing touch. It was almost too aesthetically pleasing to drink at first, but I got over that hesitance rapidly enough. Each sip was a new experience, though it was the same mouthwatering flavor each time. Go in there this week, take a seat by a window that looks out on the bustling crowds, and enjoy this eggnog latte, which arguably is the physical manifestation of happiness. Perhaps I shall call it holiday blush in a cup? Or the extracted essence of mistletoe? Neither harsh nor arrogant, Café on the Ave takes a solid first place in this competition.

Tully’s — $4.11 (Eggnog Latte)

Way too many people hate on Tully’s. “It’s too this, it’s too that,” I’ve heard it all. I’m not a hipster, so I don’t have to be morally obligated to artsy organic coffee shops, even though we all know they’re more posh. Regardless, I’m going to ask you to put away your biased scoffs if you have a passionate hatred toward this cafe, because I grew up with it, and I consider their kids size hot chocolate my first boyfriend. Anyhow, this eggnog latte was a wonderment. Just a tad creamier than one would expect — not creamy in an overpowering get-that-away-from-me sense, but in more of an “Oh, how delightfully churned” perception. It had an ample amount of foam, which I happen to like, and the eggnog-spice distribution was prime because it was so discreet. Thank you, Tully’s, for being reliably yummy.

Cafe Allegro — $4.11 (Eggnog Latte)

This cafe has a humbling effect as you approach its vine-woven entrance and the circle of its regular customers — most of whom, by the way, are terribly smoky artists that all droop in their black baggy clothing. I so want in on their club. To express my cool factor, I marched right up to the barista and was soon handed a particularly heavy cup of eggnog. It appears that the ingredients she used either weighed significantly more, or I just got stage fright in front of the screenwriter with the red lipstick and lost all strength. I took a sip, and yum! — but oh so rich. After three Polly-Pocket sips, I had to call it quits and stack it on the cup holder with the rest of my cup collection. If you’re one for full-bodied drinks, this is the place for you. In terms of the most suave environment to actually drink your eggnog in? This wins hands down.

Trabant Coffee and Chai — $2.50 (Eggnog Con Panna)

Eggnog whipped-cream floating on a shot of espresso? What? Yes, I said eggnog whipped-cream. Whipped cream, baby. Here’s the thing: If I didn’t have an aversion to dark, intense coffee, this drink would have been higher up on the list. It definitely wins for originality compared to the other lattes I tested, but not just because it was the only non-latte. Candidly speaking, the pocket-sized beverage is only for diehard coffee goers that can recognize a high-quality cup of Joe. I, on the other hand, could feel myself sweating at the bitterness of the espresso. I had to wave my face a few times and compose myself. Regardless, the whipped cream not only looks angelic, but it’s also fluffier than anything you’ll ever try. My eyes widened with thrill when I licked my first finger dab. After already feasting on several mounds of eggnog at this point, I couldn’t resist finishing off the whole thing and pretending that the leftover espresso wasn’t staring at me. My experience at the cafe also featured a redheaded male that dropped an f-bomb as he rang me up at the cash register, which I completely supported. If you’re edgy and have advanced taste buds, run — don’t walk — to Trabant, and try this concoction out.

Starbucks — $4.11 (Eggnog Latte)

All right, yes, it’s last place. I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry. Please know I’m not trying to make a statement that I’m above the Seattleite dependency on the famous coffee chain, but it really was my least favorite of the five options. As in, can you say lunch in a cup? Good lord! Cafe Allegro’s was rich, but Starbucks’ was somehow even more filling. Whew! Also, I found it creepy that the foam stayed perfectly sculpted 20 minutes after I purchased the thing. Isn’t that unnatural? Why doesn’t it dissipate? However, this is not to suggest that the eggnog latte is a drag by any means. Quite the contrary — it tastes quite good. However, if you were planning on snagging one of their overpriced lunches for the go, you might want to just stick to the drink. Your Starbucks card will not have gone to waste, I promise.

Reach contributing writer Olivia Zech at opinion@dailyuw.com.