Ellington

During an average Friday afternoon, it’s likely you’ll spot senior Kurt Kaiser in the Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints institute lounge, barefoot on the couch, surrounded by faces of approval and adoration. Hovering above his favorite couch is just one of many images of Jesus Christ that line the institute’s walls. Even Kaiser himself is astonished to discover an image of Jesus he has never seen before upon each visit. There’s one image, however, that never seems to go unnoticed. Instead, it consumes Kaiser with grief each time he passes it, permeating preadolescent memories of alienation.

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” the title reads. As the glaring words “Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan,” catch his eye, Kaiser is reminded he may never achieve this covenant, because he is gay.

Kaiser said there are two things that define him the most: Mormonism and homosexuality.

And incidentally, the combination of these two lifestyles has created quite a dilemma for both Kaiser and fellow congregants.

Kaiser said it can be difficult to reconcile the two and not entirely stray from biblical teachings.

“There isn’t really a middle ground in Mormonism,” he said. “If you are gay, you should be celibate or marry a woman; gay men shouldn’t hang out with other men.”

But if there’s one thing you should know up front, it’s that Kaiser has never been willing to compromise happiness for religion. The term “same-sex attraction” has been used in the ministry to refer to people like Kaiser. He feels there is a connotation that comes with this term, one of modifiability — that one can suppress one’s homosexual tendencies.

In the Mormon faith, in order to reach the highest level of heaven, a person must be married. Kaiser admits he probably knows more closeted than out gays, many who are Mormons who have chosen to suppress their sexuality in order to remain wholly pious.

“I don’t want to get married to a man to screw up this sacred religion,” Kaiser said. “I want to get married to a man because I grew up being told the most important thing in life is to find happiness and love. And maybe I won’t have a wife, but I still want the white picket fence and the minivan.”

Kaiser recalls reading the Proclamation when he was 13 years old and sensing he was different. However, it was not until his junior year of college that he entirely embraced his sexuality and publicly came out. And he wasn’t alone when he did it.

Kaiser and fellow member of the church UW alumnus Mark Johnson were romantically involved beginning Kaiser’s freshman year. Johnson had recently returned from a two-year mission in Baltimore, Md., when they met during a Friday luncheon. The relationship sprouted during the same time Kaiser was dating a female congregant, someone he repeatedly told himself he would end up marrying. Kaiser and Johnson decided they would both come out via Facebook, which Kaiser joked was awfully “classy” of him.

“We literally pressed ‘post’ and hopped on a plane for a two-week Europe trip in hopes of escaping the initial judgment,” Kaiser said.

And with a few minor exceptions, the congregation didn’t judge.

“I think it was because many congregation members knew me before, and they knew me after,” Kaiser said. “I was still the same person.”

This process of coming out would, of course, involve telling his parents, both converts to the Mormon faith. Kaiser emphasized his parents certainly were not condemning, but his mother initially told him that dating a woman would be much “easier,” and she continues to tell him this.

Kaiser said he still has a close relationship with his mother, whom he speaks with practically every day. However, both struggle with the publicity of his sexuality.

“Every time I post something on Facebook hinting about my sexuality, my mom says, ‘Why do you have to be so out there?,’” Kaiser said. “I’m still not friends [on Facebook] with some of my relatives on there, because I‘d rather not broadcast my sexuality to them, and my younger siblings don’t know.”

Kaiser admits at the point he realized he wanted a husband, the religious aspect of Mormonism had waned for him, and the cultural or community aspect of it was what remained. He felt an obligation to the community to be there.

“When no one knows a gay person, they think gay people are this or that, a scary other,” Kaiser said. “But when they start talking about how marriage should be preserved between a man and a woman, it’s no longer ‘other’ — it’s saying Kurt can’t get married.”

Disagreements on marriage intensified when Proposition 8, California’s voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage, surfaced and the Mormon community became actively involved to articulate its disapproval. The president presiding over the church, Thomas Monson, who is regarded as a godly figure among congregants, was a vocal opponent of the cause. And, as Kaiser put it, “The Mormon community took his word as God’s word.”

This was not the only time Kaiser’s sexuality interfered with his religious pursuits: When Kaiser consulted with the bishop about embarking on his mission his first year of college, he confessed that he had been romantically involved with Johnson. It was decided he would be denied the opportunity to partake in the mission.

Kaiser met junior Gianluca Lou through the Q Center’s Queer Men’s Group, and they later became roommates. Their sexual orientation was not their only commonality. Like Kaiser, Lou was an active member in a religious community.

Lou was raised as a Roman Catholic and attended mass at the Cathedral of Milan in Italy, experiencing a completely different political climate. This was a very conservative diocese, and homosexuality, Lou describes, was very “hush-hush.”

“It’s very different in Italy,” he said. “Essentially, they’re not tolerant. [In] Seattle you can walk down the streets holding your boyfriend’s hand without feeling like you’re going to be killed.”

He remembered Alessandra Mussolini, a member of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s coalition, making the derogatory comment, “Better to be a fascist than a faggot,” on public television and that everyday citizens saw no wrong in exclaiming, “Gays should be burned in front of the church.”

These scarring images still haunt Lou to this day.

When Lou was 15, he realized he was gay but made up his mind that he would not act on it. So when he did come out that same year, he didn’t just surprise his parents; he surprised himself.

“To be living fully in Christ is to be living fully in yourself,” Lou said. “One’s moral system should not be divorced from the religious principles they subscribe to.”

His mother was accepting of the news, but his father remained silent — a silence that to this day, Lou cannot categorize as “apathy” or “disapproval.” As long as Lou doesn’t talk about it, he said it’s fine.

Lou received some backlash for coming out publicly. He clearly remembers a specific student in his 11th-grade Spanish class saying to his face that homosexuality was unnatural and disgusting.

“I really don’t think I was confident enough at this point to challenge anyone who told me I couldn’t be gay,” Lou said.

So he remained silent.

In Lou’s last year of high school, he got involved with a small Anglican church in Milan called All Saints. The church used scripture, tradition and reason to unlock core religious meaning. When it came to homosexuality, Lou recalls they were far more “progressive.” But even so, this progressive atmosphere would not come close to matching that of the United States’.

When he moved to the United States to attend the UW, he wasn’t excited — he was afraid.

“I was initially afraid, because I thought I would be the exception [to the tolerance] and be gay-bashed,” he said. “I couldn’t help but be a bit skeptical of how tolerant everyone was here.”

Lou was later confirmed in the Episcopal Church, the Anglican presence in the United States, at Covenant House. He attends church at both St. Paul’s Episcopal Church and St. Mark’s Cathedral, both of which are Episcopalian congregations.

Lou describes the congregation as very accepting. Human sexuality is a topic that is addressed head-on among its congregants, not danced around, he said. Church members participated in gay-pride parades during his time at the church.

While he’s enveloped in a religious community that accepts him for who he is, he still notes that ignorance abounds. The priesthood’s pedophilia scandals highlighted in the news, Lou said, caused some to associate the incident with homosexuality in the church.

“It’s disgusting that people think they can just generalize the priesthood,” he said. “The head priest was gay, the deacon was gay and most tenants are, but this has no bearing on pedophilic tendencies.”

Bible literalists have also taken the Genesis story of Sodom and Gomorrah to be a statement about homosexuality.

“There is a quote I like to use [said by an English bishop], ‘Where Christ went, there was a revolution. To where I went, there was a cup of tea,’” Lou said.

He uses this quote often in describing portions of the bible that have been largely misunderstood when taken literally, and how society is rapidly changing.

Ignorance, however, seems to be something both Lou and roommate Kaiser have accepted will be present no matter where they’re living.

“I really do feel privileged to live in the United States, regardless,” Lou said.

The two friends hope to model how it is possible to be gay and lead a pious life. Lables unattached, Lou and Kaiser are just people, striving for the same happiness and religious fulfillment others are.

“With all of this hatred within religion, I can’t help but wonder at what cost we’re ‘doing good,’” Kaiser said.

Reach reporter Colin Gorenstein at lifestyles@dailyuw.com.