Ellington

Pullman sucks.

With all the cows and inbred, knowledge-deprived wheat farmers, one would not be incorrect in classifying it as a grade-A craphole. Quite possibly the worst city in America.

But it wouldn't be the worst city in America if it wasn't home to the worst college in America — Washington State University.

You've all heard the jokes. What do a UW student and a WSU student have in common? They both applied to UW. And so on.

While I'll have friends on both sides of the sidelines come Saturday, I still enjoy a good Cougar joke.

Not just because I go to the UW — but because most of them are true.

WSU grads will try to turn the joke around and say it in a manner that makes the UW look like the inferior school, but it's not funny for the simple fact that it just isn't true.

As if Washington's academic standards aren't enough reason to scoff at a WSU diploma, the Huskies' historical success in the rivalry is evidence enough that it isn't just Pullman that is lame. WSU is even lamer.

Everyone rips on Pullman, and for good reason. Like I said earlier, it isn't exactly a great place to visit. But let's face it: WSU is cramping Pullman's style.

Pullman has some serious potential. Put a good school there, the enrollment skyrockets and people will begin referring to it as a 'quaint little college town' instead of 'that place with all the silos and bad cheese.'

But as it is? I'd rather hire Michael Houston as my chauffeur than send my kid to that death trap.

Sure, college kids drink, but at WSU, it's more rampant than rain in Seattle. We're talking the Duke lacrosse team times five. Danny Bonaduce times ten. Mike Price on vacation times thirty.

Don't get me started on Martin Stadium. That place couldn't even seat everyone enrolled at the UW. Heck, there would barely be enough room for all of Shawn Kemp's illegitimate children. Even Oregon fans, who are crammed into the microscopic confines of Autzen Stadium, would arrive and exclaim, "This is it?"

Also, there's the fact that more often than not, the Cougars...well...aren't very good. They lost six straight games to the UW from '98-'03 and struggled to defeat arguably the two worst teams in UW history in '04 and '05. Price, their most celebrated coach, went just 83-78 in his career at WSU. He never won a Rose Bowl. Then he went to Alabama and got fired after partying too hard with a couple strippers.

Speaking of WSU's strong moral fiber and unwavering classy behavior, let's not ignore the fact that after Reggie Williams and company abused them in the 2002 Apple Cup, their fans saw it fit to throw beer bottles on the field.

Sure, we've had a rough time the last few years on this side of the state. After losing to Stanford last week, the only thing left to play for is pride.

But even if the Huskies lose on Saturday, the UW would still hold a 63-30 edge in the series, and WSU diplomas will still allow Cougar alumni to park in handicapped spaces.

So yes, Pullman is a dump. But WSU is the garbage that makes that dump what it is. God bless Ryan Leaf.

Columnist Christian Caple: christiancaple@thedaily.washington.edu