Flying Spaghetti Monster a Sham!
By Eric Shellan — November 5, 2008
For those unfamiliar with the obscure Pastafarian religion, I’ve provided a brief explanation summarizing this theory of intelligent design. For further reading, I suggest looking at the official website, specifically the open letter to the Kansas School Board. The link to the site is at the bottom of the page.
Pastafarians believe that a Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) created the universe and all that we can see and feel. Contradictory scientific evidence can be explained by the FSM’s Noodly Appendage, a tentacle capable of tampering with any result from any experiment. His chosen outfit is full pirate regalia, which he expects all to wear during worship if we wish to avoid his wrath. To prove that the FSM’s wrath is truly a force to be reckoned with, the founder has offered the following evidence:
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
However, I am here today to tell you that recent evidence has surfaced that undermines this theory—even beyond what His Noodly Appendage could alter.
In terms of pirate attacks, according to the New York Times, "this year is one of the worst on record, with more than 50 ships attacked, 25 hijacked and at least 14 currently being held by pirates. The waters off Somalia are now considered the most dangerous in the world."
The Economist provides some unsettling statistics of its own, citing that "The average ransom has tripled since 2007, as has the number of ships taken. Some $100m may have been paid to pirates this year. By comparison, the United Nations Development Programme's annual budget for Somalia is $14m."
One of the pirates' most famous attacks was on a Ukranian ship, the Faina, which was full of military equipment (including some 30 tanks!) destined for Kenya. The Pirates originally asked for a ransom of $30 million! Currently, they are still in negotiations.
According to the Los Angeles Times,
Rampant piracy is the latest, strangest and by far the most lucrative survival technique employed by Somalia's desperate populace, which has struggled without a functioning government since 1991. Seizing boats on the high seas along this lawless Horn of Africa nation is turning once-quiet fishing villages such as Haradhere into Mafia-style dens of greed and vice.
After the collapse of Somalia into civil war back in 1991, the country has lacked a functioning government, which now appears to be the driving force behind the piracy. According to The Economist, the attacks are a symptom of the power vacuum within the state. A Somali pirate spokesman agreed with this analysis as well, explaining that thie rise in piracy is a response to the lack of government in their country. He likes to think of himself and his fellow buccaneers as a sort of coast guard.
But besides being unable to deal with the increased piracy, Somalia is also struggling to stop the "resurgent jihadists, some with al-Qaeda connections, who have taken control of much of southern Somalia," writes The Economist.
A link with terrorists? Really? Well, the link isn't entirely there. "They are not yet directly tied up with the Islamist insurgents in Somalia, though they may yet have to pay cash to whoever controls their coastal havens in return for uninterrupted business, thus assisting the purchase of weapons and fueling the violence."
But who are these maritime marauders? The Times writes,
Somalia’s pirates are typically former fishermen who have turned to the more lucrative work of plying the seas with binoculars and rocket-propelled grenades. They travel in light speedboats, deployed from a mother ship far out at sea, and they have attacked tankers as far as 300 miles from the coast. Pirates even tried to attack an American naval supply ship this week. The ship fired warning shots at them. The pirates sped away.
And while it might be fun to laugh about these pirate attacks, there are some extremely devastating results. The Economist writes that, "the pirates’ biggest victim has been Somalia itself. Some 2.6m of the country's 8m people depend on food aid that comes by sea."
This picture is from Reuters.
All these facts are testament to the FSM's deteriorating image as a legitimate theory of intelligent design. Even with many more people dressed in stylish yet functional pirate regalia, climate change persists as a global problem. And with Obama as the president-elect, we may even start to see a global reducation in CO2, thus completely mutilating that graph.
http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/27/world/africa/27pirates.html
#1 Rohan S.
commented, onNovember 13, 2008 at 12:02 p.m.:
I think we need to consider the possibility that there might be fewer pirates who are now just more efficient and greedy. Maybe this doesn't please the Flying Spaghetti Monster as much as having more pirates in general?
#2 White C.
commented, onNovember 14, 2008 at 8:44 a.m.:
Or perhaps they simply aren't dressed in full pirate regalia. Closely studying the sacred texts show us that the FSM demands people be dressed in FULL pirate regalia, not simply attacking ships. In the picture above I don't see a single pirate's hat, peg leg, or colorful sash.
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