Squirrels. You’re thinking cute, right?

Wrong.

Not all of these bushy-tailed creatures are behaving.

Native squirrel species-groups are claiming that some of their fellows are, in fact, invaders, sweeping in from the east like the Huns of old (or the Borg of late).

The newcomers are Eastern Gray Squirrels. You’ve seen their kind, flitting about campus, and will no doubt see more of them later in the year with the advent of fall.

Since 1925, they have migrated from the other side of the nation, supplanting our native Western Gray and Douglas squirrels, and thriving in urban areas or wherever people throw their food-laden trash away.

The Western Grays have retreated back into their forested redoubts in the Cascade Mountains, and the tiny Douglas squirrels have been forced to take refuge in the towering heights of the aptly-named Douglas-firs that cover our state.

These wood-squirrels say they are hard-pressed by the easterners (distinguished by their shorter ears and narrower tails), and that their way of life is now endangered.

"We simply want to live our lives in peace and harmony with nature," said Climber-of-the-Trees, a spokes-squirrel for the Douglas Squirrel Republic of the Northwest, a loose alliance of squirrel tribes and family groups.

"We demand to be left alone, and for the Eastern Grays to respect our borders," Climber said.

The Eastern Gray Alliance, for its part, thinks that the native squirrels are making too much fuss.

"Look, we’re here and we’re gonna’ stay here, and we have every right to eat people’s leftovers," said Furry O’Malley, a recent transplant from Boston. "Those tree-dwellers don’t like the city anyway, so why do they care?"

The shadowy Western Grays wouldn’t respond to requests for interviews, but instead sent a message by acorn-gram that read, in part:

"As one of the first mammalian residents of this land, we feel we have a responsibility to advocate for a non-intensive, non human-dependant lifestyle…no offense to mankind, but squirrels should live free in the wild."

Both sides say they want to coexist, but tensions have risen along the edges of unincorporated King County, as traditional Douglas habitats are taken over by the Eastern Grays, who claim they simply need more land –and therefore trees– to grow.

"We’re not being mean about it," O’Malley said, "but we just need more room for our people."

This rationale is not good enough for the Douglas Republic, Western Grays or other native squirrels. Skirmishes have broken out in the Cascade foothills, with nuts being flung on a daily basis.

No deaths have been reported, but impartial observers say the conflict is growing more intense.

The Eastern Grays maintain a powerful political lobby at the University of Washington (their capital city in Washington State), with the Squirrel Political Action Committee (or S-PAC; check out their Facebook group) thus far repressing any efforts by the United Squirrel Nations (UNS) to intervene. But as reports of the internecine battles continue, that may soon change.

The UNS High Commissioner for Woodland Refuges, Ima Bushy, announced on Tuesday the formation of an emergency task force that could deploy to the Cascades as early as next week.

"This is nuts," said Bushy. "Squirrels shouldn’t be fighting each other."