I have done a lot of dating.  If you are a guy, and have lived in Seattle at any point during the past seven years, I have probably dated you (and I am sorry that it didn’t work out). 

The weird thing about dating is that you are less likely to find out what you are looking for in a person than you are to discover – or confirm – what you are not looking for.  For example, I am a big anti-fan of guys who have to drink heavily to engage in social interaction, guys who say mean things to try to get a girl’s attention, and guys who construct shrines to Syracuse basketball in their living rooms.

But I would like to think that all the free dinners and awkward goodbyes have given me some insight into what women should be willing to hold out for. Guys always insist that they don’t know what girls want in a guy.  This merely proves my theory that guys are idiots, because it is actually very simple.

First, we want a guy who can put together an outfit that won’t get him mistaken for a Value Village mannequin - which explains why my friend Andrew is still single. But a guy can’t dress better than we do, because it will eventually make us feel bad and piss us off.  Also, a guy has to be enthusiastically willing to pay for everything whenever we go out – or at least make a valiant effort to pretend that he is.  And he has to make a big deal about how grateful he is and how generous we are when we do offer to pick up a tab, as if we are the Mother Teresa of dates.  (But if we always presumptuously make you pay for things without any genuine thanks in return, however, you have my permission to dump us.)

Next, we want a guy who puts a lot of planning into the activities of the evening. We never want to hear the question: “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” Even if the planning involves reservations for 7:30 at Taco Bell, the fact that a guy thought about it ahead of time makes us feel special. Guys who make date plans to do things that would amuse a 10-year-old or my mother, like a trip to the zoo or a walk though a botanical garden, get super bonus points. Guys who take us to places we have never been before – not including their beds – are also looked upon favorably.

We also want a guy who will always come to our rescue but never use that fact as verbal ammunition during an argument. We would like to think that we are perfectly capable, independent women – and even if we might not be in reality, we want you to play along.

Finally, we want a guy who thinks all the annoying, neurotic habits we have are cute and adorable. For instance, when a song is playing on the car radio, I have a tendency to loudly hum a different song in an adamantly off-key fashion. And I lose everything that is not tattooed onto my body. A guy must think such habits are completely endearing, even if he has this thought only once in a while, when he is feeling particularly sentimental.  

Gentlemen, these rules are very easy to follow. I guarantee that they will work on any girl, as long as you don’t screw it up by doing something else wrong.  Good luck with that, and don’t forget that the Woodland Park Zoo is open every day until 6:00.