May 16, 2008
NOTE: It is safe to assume that there was no form of cheating in the creation of this article, unless you count us stealing this idea from another member of the staff.

May 2, 2008
Can God and Xenu live in harmony? Or, what’s wrong with Eric? Part III

April 18, 2008
Note: As a result of Will’s meddling, and partially due to Eric’s constant frustration of being perceived as an idiot, we’re trying a new format.

April 18, 2008
Note: As a result of Will’s meddling, and partially due to Eric’s constant frustration of being perceived as an idiot, we’re trying a new format.

April 4, 2008
No way Spring break is not necessary.

March 14, 2008
Smear campaigns can be good Did you know that Will steals the ideas behind our columns from the news he finds on the Web, or that most of his articles are just the same old recycled jokes and stupid puns used over and over and over again? I bet you also didn’t know (hold on to your socks, people) that Will throws puppies over cliffs in his spare time.

March 7, 2008
What about credit cards?

February 29, 2008
Don't be scared: I’m not scared, and you shouldn’t be either.

February 22, 2008
Do we need the sun?

February 15, 2008
Two columnists debate.

February 8, 2008
Who cares? Scabs = cool Unlike my counterpart, I have the freedom to say whatever I want.

February 8, 2008
Who cares? Scabs = cool Unlike my counterpart, I have the freedom to say whatever I want.

February 1, 2008
The Wiki will save you:Did you know that former child actor Richard Eyer, who played the boy who runs “afowl” of the goose in William Wyler’s 1956 film Friendly Persuasion, is now an elementary school teacher in Bishop, Calif.?

January 25, 2008
MUSIC PIRACY IS BORROWING WITHOUT PERMISSION I shouldn’t be writing this column.

January 18, 2008
Chuck Norris kicks political butt

January 11, 2008

December 7, 2007
Thusly, allow me to formally apologize to all of you who have broken a sweat opening up this paper.

November 16, 2007
All three serve no purpose other than to annoy me and impede my ability to think out loud.

November 1, 2007
These were the words from California Gov.

October 19, 2007
We are at war, people. Wake up. We are knee-deep in a fight that has been going on for years, and the enemy is beginning to get the upper hand.

October 5, 2007
I believe that our world is devolving into a land where there is no sense of justice. Similar to Gotham City, but without the idiot flying around dressed like a bat.

August 15, 2007
I feel as though I need to choose my candidate for president in 2008 this minute. I'm not entirely sure why, but it seems to be of the essence for me to cast my mental vote now with all of these debates and back-and-forth bickering between presidential hopefuls.

August 1, 2007
"Boys will be boys" tends to be the typical catchphrase parents use when their male children do something borderline stupid. If anything, it's a send-off to the age of innocence under which most young boys live, a time when they are free to get away with most anything because, well, they're kids. They don't know any better.

July 18, 2007
As I lay across the couch at home in Boston this past Saturday, exhausted due to sweltering heat and thanking God that the next day I would be flying back to a place where eating a meal doesn't always result in profuse perspiration, I turned on the TV to see Madonna performing to a hysterical crowd in London.

July 4, 2007
When you think about it, you could get away with a lot in high school. Every senior year, you and your classmates were usually allowed to pull off one huge prank, as long as it wasn't a borderline felony and didn't involve a cow stuck at the top of the staircase.

June 20, 2007
The globe has an obesity problem. Most Americans have become more conscious of this fact and changed their habits accordingly. For example, some eat less bread and other carbohydrates because Atkins has said time and again they are the source of love handles.

May 21, 2007
Screams fill the room, with an endless cry of fear coming from the other students lying in the blackness of the densely-spaced room, as you sit there, tears streaming down your cheeks.

May 14, 2007
If I had to pinpoint an exact moment in my history of watching television where I realized that it was the beginning of the end, it would probably be my first experience with The Jerry Springer Show.

May 7, 2007
I have speculated on this for many years, but it seems to have finally come true: Cell phones are evil. Well, grammatically speaking.

April 30, 2007
For as long as I can remember, I've never heard of anyone having an erection for four hours or more. Maybe it's because they're not man enough, or possibly because they've never seen the point in doing such a thing, but I can't vouch for knowing anyone that has that kind of staying power.

April 23, 2007
Imagine, for a second, complete and utter chaos. I'm talking frenzies of people running amok, ripping their clothes off and throwing garbage at one another.

April 16, 2007
Every night I go to bed and pray that Mark Emmert doesn't find my MySpace page.

April 9, 2007
Online dating is finally going in the right direction. After months of utter disappointment in my search to find that one true love, including various attempts at eHarmony.com, Match.com, and the falsely advertised Perfectmatch.com, someone has finally answered my calls for help.

March 26, 2007
Dear fun-loving student, You need to stop relaxing. I'm really starting to get anxious over here, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

March 5, 2007
People just don't understand. They don't understand the determination, endurance and courage that one must have in order to travel through the world's wilderness.

March 1, 2007
The following article is based on a real thought.

February 26, 2007
Let me start off by saying that I hate using the word "hate" unless it's completely necessary.

February 22, 2007
There are two things I enjoy the most when it comes to the arts: movies and video games.

February 15, 2007
I used to love horror movies. Every time I was hunkered in front of the television and some corny horror film was about to come on, like Child's Play or Halloween XLI, I would grab some popcorn and get the living crap scared out of me.

February 12, 2007
When I think about my health, I usually associate myself with the average American male. In other words, I obsess over what I look like, but I'm generally too lazy to ever do anything about it.

February 8, 2007
Well, here I am in Park City, Utah, at another wonderful Sundance Festival. Let me just start off by saying I love coming here every year and seeing all the latest blockbuster hits.

February 7, 2007
The following is a conversation recorded during a night of sweet loving between two passionate and experienced lovers: "So ... whose turn is it tonight?"

February 5, 2007
11:50 p.m., Thursday. There's a blank computer screen staring ominously back at me. It sits there, screaming, "Hope you weren't planning on going to bed anytime soon.

February 1, 2007
I believe that we have come to a very scary time in our lives. A time filled with terrorism, nuclear weaponry and some scare tactic known as "global warming."

January 29, 2007
In a class the other day, we discussed the importance of nonverbal communication, or NVC. It seems that as much as we believe that the words coming out of our mouths are the only things worth paying attention to, the motions we make while we talk are almost equally essential.

January 25, 2007

January 22, 2007

January 18, 2007
As January continues to drag itself on and midterms slowly rear their ugly heads toward us, you're probably hoping to go outside and enjoy the weather or something similarly boring.

January 16, 2007
Last winter vacation, I tried something I hadn't attempted before in my adult life.

January 11, 2007
I hate being late. Well I should probably correct myself. I hate being late for things I don't want to miss out on.

January 8, 2007
A lot of people complain about Seattle. Actually, everyone who's not from Seattle complains about Seattle. And I think it's completely legit. First and foremost, it rains way too much here and at the worst time of the year: winter.

January 4, 2007
Coming soon to a theatre near you: <i>Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End, Spider-Man 3, Indiana Jones 4, Jurassic Park IV, Rush Hour 3, Hostel: Part II, Shrek the Third, Saw IV, Alien vs Predator: AVP 2, The Hills Have Eyes II ...</i>

December 7, 2006
Christmas: A time for giving, a time for receiving, and a time for looking forward to some awesome gifts &mdash; televisions, iPods and even the occasional sweater.

December 5, 2006
I moved to Boston my senior year of high school. It was the year 2004. Obviously, you know where this is going.

November 20, 2006
Let me start by saying that I am no fashion maestro. I own nothing with the word "Abercrombie" stapled across the chest, and some guy named Dungaree made my pants &mdash; I even wear black with blue every so often.

November 15, 2006
You do it. Your best friend does it. Your dad never shuts up about it. Your mother hates your dad because he never shuts up about it. And you're about one waiver wire move away from having your girlfriend pack up her things and leave.

November 13, 2006
The summer before my freshman year I did a lot of thinking &mdash; especially in September, after all of my friends had left me alone in a town whose busiest area was the local train station.