American citizens, listen up: We have a major problem on our hands. CNN anchor and alien Piers Morgan is attacking the Second Amendment, the most important of all the amendments. This is not only an attack on our Constitution, but an attack on our way of life here in America.
Following the shooting in Newtown, Mr. Morgan interviewed the brilliant Larry Pratt, executive director of Gun Owners of America. However, instead of folding to his clearly superior logic, Mr. Morgan called him “stupid” and “dangerous” for insisting that more guns will make us safer. Unbelievable.
After this, some concerned citizens — 105,363 to be exact — have signed a petition for President Obama to look at, asking him to “Deport British Citizen Piers Morgan for Attacking the 2nd Amendment.” And while I applaud these brave citizens for their efforts, I must come forward and say that this doesn’t go nearly far enough. See, what Mr. Morgan is doing isn’t just threatening our way of life or the Constitution, no. Mr. Morgan is spearheading a movement that will jeopardize our national security as well.
Follow me, if you will, for a moment. Mr. Morgan was born in a country that we’ve fought two wars against since our nation’s birth; a country that once brutally ruled over us and undoubtedly would like to do so again. The country I’m talking about is none other than Great Britain, the island nation that once controlled much of the known world. And where better to restart their dominion over the world than with their most successful former colony, the United States of America?
By using his nationally broadcasted television show, Mr. Morgan can push his ridiculous agenda under the guise of being concerned about our relaxed gun laws and how they make him worry for the safety of his daughter. But what’s more likely? The above? Or that he is clearly trying to take our guns away from us so that big bad Britain can swoop in to reinstate our colonial status?
We cannot tolerate threats to our national security. Now, some people on the other side of the aisle may argue that Mr. Morgan is merely using his right to freedom of speech guaranteed by the First Amendment, but don’t be fooled.
However, because of these complaints, I would like to propose a new petition: In the name of liberty, we must switch the order of the first two amendments of our sacred constitution, because our most important amendment must be able to transcend all others.
We must protect America, our way of life, and our children. Not with better gun laws, but by making sure no one can ever criticize our right to bear arms.
Reach satire writer Nathan Taft at firstname.lastname@example.org. Twitter: @Nathantaft
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