What could be better than sex AND pirates? Well, probably a lot of things, but when it comes to the genre of adult films, there is little that could top the production that is Pirates, I've decided.
As the highest-budget adult film ever produced, Pirates has it all. It has plot, which is often something lacking in pornography, at least plot discernable from the sex, as opposed to, "I'm sorry, did your boobs get in the way of my sponge while I was washing this car?" While there are many factors which may sidetrack a viewer –— the sex? I don't know, why are you watching this? — the plot is well-developed and even slightly interesting ... and in no way resembling any other Disney-based movies I've seen.
The dialogue is just horrible and with bad delivery to boot, but you have to ask yourself if it really matters all that much. The sheer idea of porn stars dressed up as pirates, spouting out more than one sentence at a time that doesn't include an expletive or erotic phrase is just exhilarating to me. Minus the sex, this could almost pass as a Mel Brooks film.
Keeping with the elegance of the production, the soundtrack does wonders for the sex scenes. Either drastically silly or daringly arousing, the scores didn't leave me feeling gross and over-sexed, like most pornography.
Now to the sex. Oh wait, the costumes are great. They really make the sex scenes, turning what is often presented as raunchy or over-explicit humping into erotic (or funny, depending on your taste) role-play-esque humping.
Now really, the sex. Surprisingly, for being a little more than two hours long, I wasn't overwhelmed with naked-ness and the desire to leave the room and investigate my fridge every 20 minutes. And very few times did I feel ashamed to be a woman; instead I wanted to be a pirate too.
The scenes vary nicely, with everything from traditional guy-girl to threesomes. They are graphic, and they get the job done. For some reason, though, being immersed in a swashbuckling setting made the sex scenes way more interesting and diverse. It was probably the improvised dialogue that added that extra flare. Hearing phrases such as "I want to taste your mighty sword" and "I am the greatest pirate hunter" during sex scenes, in a pirate accent had a slighty awkward affect, ranging somewhere from humorous to provoking. But it worked.
Classic Evan Stone made it into the film as the captain of the pirate hunters, with more than a few scenes to stimulate anyone who is into a lot of muscle and an abnormally large ... sword. It was Janine Lindemulder, though, who stole my heart as the commander of the pirate ship. Having recently made her debue in guy/girl scenes (her first in about 20 years of being in the adult industry), her sexy motherly look kept her perky thoughtout the film.
Ultimately, this adult film has the perfect fusion of sex and fantasy (for all of you who are into that, or are big enough dorks to think pirates are pretty effing awesome). It's a nice escape from numbing pornography, and is an interesting view even if you're not looking to be aroused.
Oh, and there are computer generated skeletons ... with swords ... chasing topless girls ... enough said.
Reach reporter Jen Ludington at email@example.com.
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