Cougars: giving the state of Washington a bad name

"I always thought being a Cougar is great preparation for real life. It teaches you not to expect too much."

-- Don James

So, it's late November, the Huskies are in the hunt for a major bowl and the Cougars think they are better than they are. It must be time for the Apple Cup!

Indeed, this Saturday, the Palouse Pussies and their inbred groupies will be invading the greater Seattle area, hoping to see their beloved Cougars pick up a win at Husky Stadium. You can easily tell the WSU fans, just watch for the noticeable lack of designer labels and 7-11 Dark Mountain Roast Coffee instead of Starbuck's. And they sport a dark crimson color, reminiscent of their burnt-down fraternities.

Leading the brigade of loyal Huskies against the infidels is the Web site CougarsSuck.com. Created by a 1997 UW business school grad, this brilliant Web site includes such great jokes as:

*Q: What's the biggest lie told in Pullman?

*A: I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

*Q: What do you call a 250-pound Cougar cheerleader?

*A: Anorexic

*Q: How do you keep Cougars out of your yard?

*A: Put up goalposts.

According to the Webmaster (who wishes to remain anonymous due to numerous personal threats levied by the heathen mob), CougarsSuck.com was created in response to the site HuskiesSuck.com, a joint effort by WSU and Oregon fans. When asked why HuskiesSuck.com has gone the way of Pets.com, he replied:

"Like many Cougar attempts, it was simply a failure. The site looked like crap and I imagine that most Cougar and Duck fans don't know what a computer is.

"To them a 'hard drive' is trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with three flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer."

So, when you see a Cougar fan (remember, they're the ones that don't have as much money as us), make sure not to smile at them. This can have two adverse consequences: It can begin a conversation that will inevitably revolve around the sump pump he or she just bought, or it can, at the very least, prompt the fan to flash back a toothless smile. So when you run up against a Coug, just give them the cold shoulder with your J.Crew pullover parka and your Abercrombie backward visor.

But you can't blame the Cougs for being as clueless, hickish and ugly as they are. After all, they come from Pullman. You know, the place where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some wheat. And they don't have anything else to do but drink grain alcohol in preparation for their wedding night. Which brings me to the following:

Q: In Pullman, how do you separate the men from the boys?

A: With a crowbar. Don't get me started.

But not all Cougars are hicks! Some of them come from the Seattle area. They were just unable to get into a decent school because they got chew spit and drool on their SATs. I mean, let's get real. Washington State is easier to get into than the sliding doors at the Walmarts its students shop at.

Nestled in the taint of the Pacific Northwest, Pullman has a long history of sucking.

The one redeeming quality of the WSU campus is Ferdinand's. Anybody who's been there knows what I'm talking about. For the uninitiated, Ferdinand's is the ice cream shop connected to the creamery, where they make Cougar Gold cheese. But from the looks of the girls you will be seeing this weekend, you can tell that none of that stuff is fat-free.

Cougar fans can also claim American hero and ABC broadcaster Keith Jackson as an alumus, which I'll admit is pretty impressive. But you can bet he has never been back with the festering pile of misfits Mike Price puts on the field. By the way, prison called wondering how many WSU seniors can be expected next year. Just to contrast, the UW can claim as alumni Al from Home Improvement, Kenny G, Pamela Reed (Kindergarten Cop) and cartoonist Hank Ketcham (Dennis the Menace). What an irony, considering Dennis the Menace is standard Cougar literature in their 400-level English classes.

Oh yes, I almost forgot. Jason Gesser, Ryan Leaf called. Your successful NFL career is waiting for you.

So what's my prediction for the game? The Cougs' BCS hopes are going to get ruined like Gary Condit's political career.

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