Dear readers,

The sun is out and the weather is warming. There was a guy out on the HUB lawn giving out free hugs because it was so nice out. It is February, the month that gets its name from a word meaning purification. For that reason, we have a special theme of purification this week.

Aries March 21 - April 19

You will become pure when you begin giving yourself daily enemas, Aries. Be sure to shout “I will live forever, for my bowels are immaculate!”

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Hear Aries shouting something about “immaculate,” Taurus? It just means, “free from stain or blemish, or clean.” The former definition is what lends well to religious descriptions of miraculous births, and the latter is the opposite of what your room is.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Aaron Hill once said, “Don’t call the world dirty because you forgot to clean your glasses.” Heed this, Gemini, for your glasses often look opaque.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Scour away the nightmares of your youth, Cancer; emerge from the program anew like the fire-bird, whose frightened cries assault our ears with the blessed harmony of the cleansed.

Leo July 23 - August 22

You will remain untainted when you don a plastic garment for the slaughter and doff it shortly thereafter. Only the memories will remain, along with the now-haunting silence of those lambs.

Virgo August 23 - Sept. 22

Your life will be edulcorated by the purest of human emotions: love. What absolute drivel – nothing is as unsoiled as hatred or fear. No! Love is faultless. NO! Fear reigns supreme! (You’ll never know the truth of it until you lose that virginity of thought from which your name comes, Virgo.)

Libra Sept. 23 - Oct. 23

Heres a pro-tip from our local star, the sun: If you want to eat something outside the Earth in our solar system, go for the ice on Enceladus, a moon of Saturn, whose frozen water is almost certainly cleaner than that embedded in Saturn’s rings.

Scorpio Oct. 24 - Nov. 21

It is always better to be disinfected than never infected at all, Scorpio. Especially when it comes to love, though some will counsel otherwise.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You will find, Sagittarius, that unadulterated maple syrup is swell. But an unadulterated relationship does not mean the same thing as an unadulterous one.

Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Distill your emotions before you distill your liquor, lest you find yourself angry at perfectly innocent moonshine.

Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Virgin: being used or worked for the first time. Hint: It’s where Virgos get their name. Wink, wink.

Pisces Feb. 19 - March 20

Snowy, like your logic. Flawless, like your win record with no attempts. Void, like your personality.

Reach diviner John McLellan at starbredfate@dailyuw.com.