Everyone has that one person in their life who makes everything just a little bit worse. No matter how fantastic your day is going, they will somehow find a way to make an appearance and mess it all up. For Jerry Seinfeld, that person was Newman. For me, it’s Jimmy Fallon.

Now, obviously I do not know Jimmy in real life, and for all I know, he could be a great guy in person. But I seriously doubt it. There are too many signs that demonstrate his complete ineptitude and reveal his weakness of character. The frequency of these occurrences makes the possibility of these events being “flukes” impossible.

Let me explain how this strained relationship began, or, as I like to call it, “the beginning of the end.”

One Saturday night many years ago, a young boy anxiously awaited the start of his favorite show — Saturday Night Live. As the opening scene rolled, he gazed up in awe at the brilliant displays of comedic genius being performed in front of him. But it wasn’t long before the stars in his eyes came crashing down in a blaze of failure.

All of a sudden, what could have been an all-time great skit was ruined by an obnoxious event that shattered the stage presence and brought the entire audience out of the blissful joy the comedy was bringing them: Jimmy Fallon broke character and started laughing.

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalked the transgression up to his probable nervousness in his inaugural appearance. But it soon became very clear that this irritating event was not a rookie mistake, but rather an omen for things to come. In nearly every performance Jimmy found a way to lose his composure and ruin things for everyone. He even found a way to make recurring, fail-safe classics like Debbie Downer and Celebrity Jeopardy less entertaining by his complete lack of professionalism.

But Jimmy doesn’t stop at just negatively affecting the entertainment world through his pathetic attempts at comedy. He managed to almost ruin the 2004 World Series by running out on the field to shoot a scene for his worthless movie “Fever Pitch.”

In addition to killing my joy, Jimmy also killed one of my relationships, as I was forced to dump my girlfriend after she dragged me to see the afore-mentioned film.

Although Jimmy managed to effectively ruin SNL, we only had to deal with his incompetence once a week. But now that he has taken over “Late Night,” which, over the last 17 years, has become legendary thanks to the raw comedic talent of the amazing Conan O’Brien, he will be able to spoil everyone’s night on a daily basis. He has forever altered the late-night line up and tainted the prestige of the post he now holds.

Even after all of these terrible things Jimmy Fallon has done to me, or perhaps just because I’m a creature of habit and refused to change my schedule, I tried to watch Jimmy’s first show Monday night.

It was my 21st birthday, a special night for everyone. Just to clarify, if you’re thinking “What kind of loser is sitting at home watching TV the night of his 21st?” I had an important meeting early the next morning and did manage to go out at midnight the night before. So it’s all good.

Getting back to Jimmy Fallon, his first show was awful. No surprise. His opening monologue didn’t even make the studio audience laugh more than a couple times. Even then, it was pretty clear they were laughs of pity. Sadly, it actually plummeted from there. He moved on to paying people to lick things, then forced poor Robert DeNiro to do a skit entitled “Space Train” that made absolutely no sense. Even during that skit he couldn’t hold character and laughed.

To borrow a line from another great rivalry out of The Dark Knight, I think you and I are destined to do this forever, Jimmy Fallon. You will continue to ruin my birthdays and make me not laugh, and I will try to avoid your lack-luster attempts at jokes and urge people to not watch your show.

Reach columnist Jeff Dickson at opinion@dailyuw.com.