It has been said that if most professional athletes were not graced with the gifts of agility, speed and strength far beyond that of your average Joe, most would likely be locked up in some county or federal penitentiary. Despite this rather cynical view, we, as fans, have found ways to admire the apparent exceptions to this rule.

Two such champions were Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps. But after a week filled with HGH syringes and bong resin, the sports community is left reeling after once again being let down by two of its greatest heroes.

So what is a sports fan to do? Should we chastise these perceived gods for being mere mortals, pledge against sports the way a scorned woman would swear off men, or simply throw our hearts at another golden boy/girl just to discover once again that they were, in fact, too good to be true? No, the answer, my friends, is simple — convert to a sport where you never have to be let down again. Become a disciple of the NASCAR Nation.

I know many of you are thinking that making left turns for 4 hours is a rather loose interpretation of the word “sport,” and that perhaps the only reason the National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing won’t let you down is because their standards are so low to begin with. As an expatriate of a former red state (i.e. NASCAR country), I ask that you set aside these erroneous preconceived notions as I demonstrate that NASCAR has something to appeal to fans of all sports.

For all you football fans, aren’t you seeking adrenaline-filled action that is teeming with hard hits? Well, a Ray Lewis tackle hasn’t got anything on a 3,600-pound car slamming headfirst into a concrete wall at almost 200 mph. Clint Boyer even finished the Daytona 500 two years ago upside down and on fire after a massive wreck on the last lap. Now that’s action.

Soccer fans will appreciate that there are no stops in NASCAR like there are in between football plays. The photo finishes that separate first and second place by milliseconds would put any buzzer-beating basketball shot to shame. While the skill and precision to not only make the car run at its best, but to also maneuver it at break-neck speeds in what equates to LA-at-rush-hour-like traffic makes any 100-foot golf putt seem like a gimme.

For the baseball stat freaks, I challenge you to attempt to keep track of NASCAR’s intricate scoring system, and the hockey enthusiasts haven’t seen any fight until they see two very pissed off rednecks go at it.

Furthermore, the NASCAR system not only ensures that every race is important — like college football — it also ensures fair determination of an ultimate champion by using a playoff-like structure. Drivers must qualify their way into the playoffs by points earned throughout the season. But even for those that may be out of the running, the money on the line ensures that every driver gives their all every race. In other words, since the teams have to earn the paycheck every week, you will never find a NASCAR driver that stops trying and experiences “Shaun Alexander Syndrome” once the deal is signed.

NASCAR also offers advantages that other sports simply cannot. Instead of having a home track, all the drivers move cross-country each week to race in a different city. This traveling show system ensures that every race is absolutely packed. Teams that suck do not have to worry that tickets won’t sell because, to the paying fan, every live race in their hometown is a special event. Plus, each race features the intensity of rivalries, as well as the excitement of potential underdog achievement.

The unique advertising structure also offers incentives to fans and businesses alike. Fans of Jimmy Johnson become walking billboards as they sport their Lowe’s hat and jacket. True devotees would never dare to step foot in a Home Depot. Drivers even get in on the corporate feuds: last year, Tony Stewart proudly promoted his sponsor after winning the Pepsi 400 by saying, “this may be the Pepsi 400, but Coca-Cola sure tastes a hell of a lot better!” followed by the all-important label-shot swig. Priceless.

The bottom line is, although we know there are still some remaining heroes that truly deserve our loyalty and support in the “real” sports (Tiger Woods and Jake Locker, to name a couple), we simply can’t take the risk of becoming smitten with the many false idols. By becoming a member of the always-accepting NASCAR family, you can experience the mental and physical anguish of sport while remaining comfortable knowing that you will never be faced with the pain of a steroid scandal. In fact, the only bit of debauchery you may face is that your driver publicly consumes a heavy dose of alcohol. But even then, you’ll rest assured knowing it was just in support of a sponsor.

Reach columnist Jeff Dickson at opinion@dailyuw.com.