Harvard College

The Harvard-based magazine Annals announced the winners for this year’s Ig Nobel prizes Thursday. Among the noteworthy honorees in this “cheeky counterpoint” to the Nobel prizes are researches working to name cows; the country of Zimbabwe, for issuing bank notes ranging from one Zimbabwean cent to 100 trillion Zimbabwean dollars; a pathologist who determined that an empty beer bottle is capable of cracking skulls; and engineers who have invented a bra that converts into a pair of gas masks.

The gas-mask bra was invented by Illinois engineer Elena Bodnar. Peter Rowlinson and Catherine Douglas of Newcastle University conducted research proving that dairy cows with names yield more milk than unnamed bovines.

Other significant Ig Nobel achievements honored this year include a man who has devoted 60 years to cracking the knuckles of his left hand only to prove this activity does not lead to arthritis; researches who have calculated why pregnant women don’t tip over; and scientists who succeeded in turning tequila into diamonds.

Atlantic Ocean

Scientists are a dumbfounded by Suzie the green sea turtle, whose migratory habits lead her exclusively between British territories.

The 550-mile journey through the Caribbean has been monitored by a satellite tracking device attached to her shell. This is the first time sea turtles from the Turks and Caicos Islands have been tracked, and researches have noted that instead of visiting breeding grounds, swimming with ocean currents, and traveling through Haiti and the Dominican Republic as was expected, she has only traveled through British waters.

Scientists are at a loss to describe this anomaly of migration.

Singapore

Miss Singapore World Beauty Queen, Ris Low, has been relieved of her crown after stealing seven credit cards to go on a lingerie shopping spree.

Local media reported that, while working at a medical clinic, 19-year-old Low stole several cards and bought goods worth about $5,662, including phones, gold jewelry and lingerie.

Low stated that she suffers from bipolar disorder and that the shopping sprees and theft was a result of this condition.

Officials in Singapore have stated that Low does not represent the national character of their multicultural country and that, though she has “the aesthetic quality, [she also has] a very ugly personality.”

Low’s replacement has yet to be named.

United Kingdom

Youngster Zoe Pemberton listed her grandmother in an eBay auction, though she never ended up completing the sale, despite an offer of £2,000.

Site officials removed the auction, which described Marion Goodall, 61, as “rare and annoying and moaning a lot,” but “very cuddly.”

An eBay spokesperson said “obviously we have rules about the selling of people.” Pemberton, 10, claims her grandmother didn’t mind being listed in the online auction.

Reach columnist Matthew Jackson at news@dailyuw.com.