Note: As a result of Will’s meddling, and partially due to Eric’s constant frustration of being perceived as an idiot, we’re trying a new format. Also note that Eric is still an idiot.

Mari: So Eric, do humans have rights?

Uthus: What a ridiculous question to ask — We all know that humans have the same rights as the animals we kill on a day-to-day basis.

M: So you’d eat a human being?

U: Who says I haven’t? I mean, to say otherwise is to claim that humans are superior to the rest of the animal kingdom, and I’m pretty sure Siegfried and Roy proved that wrong.

M:That was a really sad story. Seriously, Uthus, don’t people have an intrinsic value by their very nature, created, as they were, in the image of God? Besides, people aren’t animals.

U: First of all, I applaud the fact that you try to use “big” words to overcome your lack of logic. Secondly, if humans were created in the image of God, why does Jesus look like a Jewish hippie?

M: But that is who he was, or rather is — a radical carpenter’s son.

U: And an alcoholic. Why else would he change water into wine?

M: We’re getting a bit off topic. Do you think the Tibetan people have a right to determine their own future, as human beings?

U: No, for the same reason I pray that Spokane doesn’t get the same idea. Tibet clearly wouldn’t be able to support itself. It’s a baby country. Where would it get its allowance, besides the occasional Dalai Lamapalooza? Tibet needs to be oppressed. It’s the only way you learn to be humble. Just ask Kosovo.

M: I think the Chi-Coms are paying you off, Eric.

U: Will, I don’t follow baseball, you know that.

M: I meant the Chinese Communists, you irascible fellow.

U: They pay me well, thank you very much. They have a good benefits package, you know: free dental, schooling and mandatory re-education that purges thoughts that stray from the proletarian path.

M: I take it that you’re not a big fan of the Dalai Lama?

U: Will, anyone who has to name himself after a useless South American pack animal isn’t worth my time. He isn’t promoting the world socialist revolution. Besides, if I wanted spiritual advice, I’d watch Dr. Phil or snuggle up to my copy of Chicken Soup for the Communist Soul … Wait, We Don’t Think we Have Souls.

M: Even if you’re a two-bit, red commie, you still have to acknowledge the fact that the Dalai Lama is the exiled leader of a downtrodden people.

U: Downtrodden? Doesn’t a rising communist tide of world revolution lift all socioeconomic boats?

M: What?

U: Never mind. The fact of the matter is, all this talk of boycotting the Olympics is getting out of hand. We all know the Olympics have never, ever been about making faddy political statements, except in the 1960s.

M: I think we should boycott the games because we shouldn’t reward a brutal regime for its repressive actions. Besides, the Chinese government is supporting the Darfur genocide in Sudan with its ties to oil.

U: Yeah, I forgot that we’ve never backed a violent government for its oil.

M: That was different. We were fighting the Russkies.

UTHUS: Stallone fought the Russians. And all he needed was a bow and arrow.

M: Those were the good old days.

U: The bottom line is, the Olympics should be about the athletes, not the politics. But they still don’t have rights, therefore, I’ve been trying to convince the International Olympic Committee to allow animals to compete.

M: That sounds like a reality TV show on FOX.

U: Yeah, it was. But this time, it’s for the gold.

M: But people could die.

U: I know.

M: Doesn’t that bother you?

U: Not in the least. I am a heartless nincompoop — Will, that’s not what I’m saying. Stop typing this…

M: Sorry.

U: But seriously, people die all the time. So why not for my cheap entertainment?

M: I think you’re a sick, sick man.

U: That doesn’t negate the fact that I’m right.

M: But you’re wrong. People have inalienable rights, regardless of your twisted blood lust.

U: Fine, I’ll concede that people have rights, as long as they introduce the sport of cage fighting to the Olympics. Oh, and blindfolded trampoline jumping. And that pod race thing they did in TRON.

M: What does a Disney film from 1982 have to do with anything?

U: It has everything to do with nothing.

M: I know.

[Reach columnists Will Mari and Eric Uthus at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]