By
Jeffrey Tripoli
February 6, 2008
American society has a strange obsession with labels of all kinds. In these politically correct times, everyone apart from an increasingly obscure standard of the “norm” is assigned a label and cause, as if being anything other than a WASP is a cross to bear.
There seems to be this compulsion in society to define people by their sexuality, through a strange and narrow-minded dichotomous classification. You’re either “straight,” “gay” or somewhere in between.
It’s the much-maligned “in-between” that consistently evades comprehension from the general populous. There are so many myths and misconceptions about bisexuality that have, for whatever reason, made it acceptable to ostracize this particular cross-section of our über-labeled people.
I was talking to a co-worker not too long ago who told me that she didn’t believe in bisexuality — people either like one sex or the other. This is mind-boggling to me. Would anyone have the audacity to tell someone who said they were gay that there was, indeed, no such thing as homosexuality? Of course not. On the same token, it wouldn’t be appropriate to tell someone who identifies as straight that “everyone’s at least a little bit gay.”
Obviously it’s the norm to identify as straight, and it’s increasingly more acceptable to identify as gay. I find as a bisexual male that it’s a significantly different battle. As someone who does indeed find members of both sexes appealing, it’s appalling how closedminded most girls are toward the concept of dating a bisexual male. When I’ve asked girls if they would be open to dating a bisexual guy, most of them were hesitant. What, I asked them, is your rationale? Responses were ignorant at the least and flat out phobic at the worst.
One common theme I’ve heard from girls is this fear that a bisexual boyfriend would likely cheat on them with a guy. Let me put this to rest: When I’m in a relationship, regardless of the shape of my partner’s genitalia, I have no intention of cheating on him or her. When I’m wholly committed to someone, I don’t think about others I find attractive. Your straight boyfriend is just as likely to cheat on you with another girl as your bisexual boyfriend is to do the same with a guy.
A lot of girls have this irrational fear that they are more likely to contract an STI from a bisexual guy than from a straight guy. STIs are not confined to one particular sexual lifestyle. Yes, HIV is prevalent in the homosexual community, but most people infected with HIV/AIDS are males who identify as straight.
My favorite response is that it would just be “weird” to date a bisexual guy. There’s this prevailing doubt in girls that leads them to believe they could never provide everything that a bisexual guy is looking for in a sexual relationship. This is almost the same as declaring that there’s no such thing as bisexuality — in making this leap, you’re assuming that the same bisexual guy could get everything he needs from another guy, which would make him, well, gay.
Unlike the labels “straight” and “gay,” which are both entirely one thing or another, bisexuality encompasses a broad spectrum which is incredibly hard to define or assign a set of stereotypical attributes to. Basically, people fear what they don’t understand. If most people are either straight or gay, then bisexuals are in an intangible and indistinguishable minority.
Here’s a solution, folks: Let’s just not define one another by our sexual preferences. When it comes down to it, a relationship is between two people (unless you’re into other things — but that’s a different story). If there is an understanding and mutual attraction between those two people, nothing else should matter.
11 Comments
#1 Loren T.
on February 6, 2008 at 5:04 p.m.(UW Campus | Unverified Name)
I'm really glad to see that someone has cleared up this issue about bisexuality. It is disheartening to find others, let it be gay or straight, who think that bi-people are just all in it for the sex, not the people they're attracted to.
Kudos to you.
#2 Kelsey
on February 7, 2008 at 5:32 p.m.(UW Campus | Unverified Name)
Yeah, I agree. Apparently there needs to be more information out there to snap people out of their ignorant thinking. But the same thing exists for other areas of the GBLT community too. People don't know about it or understand it, so they fear it and pass on rumors about it.
#3 Peter
on February 19, 2008 at 11:46 a.m.(Location Unknown | Unverified Name)
Just a comment. I am bisexual and my exwife married me even though I am bisexual... I also wanted to mention something about bisexuals cheating. My exwife was the only person who slept with a guy during our marriage... I am always making a joke from it as she was always afraid that once i will want to sleep with a guy and the joke is "She was so afraid that I will sleep with a guy that instead she slept with one ;)". Anyway, I met another girl and i was attracted to her a lot and it was a lot of fun for both of us - we had amazing 6 dates and after last one, girl tells me she cannot date me anymore as she cannot handle being with bisexual and that she could not sleep because of it. So we are friends now, as I really dont want to spend few years with someone who has issues with who i am as my exwife did. What pissed me off was the fact that she also said "I am looking for more now." -> what the "hell" could she look for more now and what does it have to do with my bisexuality. Some people are just not capable of thinking and they confuse things a lot :). anyway, right now there is a guy i am considering for dating and he seems to think "normally", meaning he is not confusing things, and does not seem to have issue with my bisexuality. Poor guy, while girls get warning that I am bi, guys get extended version as I never had long term relationship with a guy and I am not sure that I can be sexually satisfied long term with a guy, but I hope for myself that i can as i really like him.
#4 Roxanne
on March 9, 2008 at 12:43 p.m.(Alpharetta, GA | Unverified Name)
I am bisexual, and I'm also dating a bisexual man. It's weird sometimes because I have the tendency to think along the lines that I won't be "adequate" enough for him, but that's just not true. I'm sure he may feel the same way about me. What makes this relationship work is communication. He tells me how he's feeling, what he wants/desires, and I reciprocate. If we are feeling adventurous then we may invite someone to share in. The whole issue people have with bisexuality is the "sex" aspect of the relationship, but a relationship is so much more than just sex...although that does make up a big part of it.
#5 david
on March 20, 2008 at 3:06 p.m.(Providence, RI | Unverified Name)
My long-term, girlfriend broke up with me a year ago after I told her I am bi. Now, a year later, I've been seeing this girl, and I like her--so tonight i am going to tell her I'm bi. I'm scared that she will reject me, but I feel like I'm lying. It's funny, "straight" people don't have to confess their sexuality, and I am supposed to assume that everyone is straight. I, on the other hand, have some obligation to tell everyone that I am bi?
#6 jessica
on May 14, 2008 at 12:16 p.m.(Portland, OR | Unverified Name)
my boyfriend just admitted that he had been in love with a man before we met, and even though he was afraid to tell me this, it was completely alright with me. it shows me that his ability to be attracted to someone doesn't stop at their physical body, but starts with their soul. he really is amazing, and if anything, i think i am actually more attracted to bisexual men. my only concern is that he really is gay and in denial, but we will cross the bridge when we come to it.
#7 Sophia1
on May 20, 2008 at 12:49 p.m.(Nantes, France | Unverified Name)
I have just started dating a guy who told me from the start (well, after we kissed) that his last relationship had been with another guy. For a few minutes I was a bit confused, but since then I have been thinking the same as Jessica:if anything, the fact that he's bisexual makes him even more attractive to me. It's also a big opportunity for me to dig deeper into gender roles and challenge my old vision of the world. I feel like he has enlarged my life. I really like him as a person, and physically we get on so well too. It's just amazing. The funny thing is that before we started seeing each other, I was worried that our age difference would be an issue (I'm in my early 30s, he's 25), but who cares, eh!
#8 JAY
on December 19, 2008 at 2:59 a.m.(Johannesburg, South Africa | Unverified Name)
wow. jessica seems like a well balanced and rational person. we need more people like that in the world. being bisexual is like hell for me right now. i have a fantastic relationship with a girl, but i'm falling for a guy i met recently. its a totally different part of me though. i think i feel more emotionally towards men, but more sexually towards women. could it be because i was molested by a women when i was 5 through 7yrs old? i didn't have a good relationship with my father until long after puberty. this all contributes to my relational dysfunction i'm sure? i heard that un-dealt with emotional issues become sexualized through puberty.almost like part of our sexual personality is based on our psych/emotional prepubescent issues? anyway...i don't want to hurt my beloved girlfriend, but inside i still feel lonely when i'm with her. i feel like i am settling for only half of what i really want. this problem feels like its ruining my life :(
#9 Chris
on February 4, 2009 at 3:01 p.m.(Pensacola, FL | Unverified Name)
Most people who identify as bisexual do actually prefer one sex over the other romantically/sexually. I have several friends who once identified as bisexual, but now identify as gay or lesbian because of that (their romantic/sexual preference being so much more stronger for the same sex over the opposite sex). They have stated that they can never be truly romantically/sexually happy with the opposite sex. Thus, I can understand "this prevailing doubt in girls that leads them to believe they could never provide everything that a bisexual guy is looking for in a sexual relationship."
A lot of what I have just stated is also why some people, scientists/researchers included, do not believe that bisexuality exists. They believe that if you are not equally romantically/sexually to both sexes, then you are not bisexual (and that "true bisexuality" is a rarity or doesn't exist at all). One person described it as saying, "The 'bi' in everything else means 50/50, so why should the 'bi' in bisexuality be any different?"
Personally, I get that some people say it's the person, not the gender/sex, that matters when it comes to romance, but I only believe that is half true. If the gender/sex never mattered or shouldn't matter, there would be no such thing as heterosexual or homosexual. It would simply be "soul love" for everyone. I mean, we have platonic love and romantic love for a reason, and sexual orientation is all tied up in romantic love.
That said, good article.
#10 Penni W.
on March 23, 2009 at 1 p.m.(Bowling Green, KY)
Most of us all our lives have only been told of the one option and the other was like sex in general never talked about.Just like Labels are ment for clothes! If you have ever been lucky enough to make love to someone and in doing so you get lost in each other, I don't feel like a woman at that time or a man either, so with this thought why worry about who you are with but that the emotion is there. My husband tells of hearing Garth Brooks talking about his gay brother,"there is not enough love in the world as it is if anyone is able to find and have love who am I to judge them." or something close not an exact quote. Who are we to judge, do we ALL not have something we try to keep hiden from the world and would rather them not know? We all come from the same begining after all and there is NOT enough love out there. I hope you all get to have and hold someone special soon and for always.
#11 kriss
on June 23, 2009 at 4:58 p.m.(Thunder Bay, Canada)
chris, your comment is, apparently, dictating science that you've invented out of thin air. the science of today does in fact see bisexuality as a distinct *as in not hetero or homo* sexuality.
it has NOTHING to do with being 50/50. you'd be hard pressed to find a single person who's "50/50".....the reality is bisexual people are as different from each other as they are from someone totally straight, or totally gay. the only thing any 2 have in common is some attraction to both sexes.
and on that note, tho this article was a good read, i am so tired of other's like me insisting "one person is it....we aren't any different......there's no reason to be with anybody else".
the fact that we have the capacity to love both sexes IS WHAT MAKES US "BISEXUAL".
if the people you're with don't mind, and it makes the difference between utter misery and a full happy life - kiss their truth goodbye.
Post a comment