Don't be scared:

I’m not scared, and you shouldn’t be either. We live on a safe campus. Really.

It’s as safe as the United States— err, as safe as the Death Star from a single photon torpedo or Superman from kryptonite. Yes, “safe” in a slightly precarious sense, perched on the yawning edge of doom by a single strand of caution, swaying to and fro in the winds of fate.

You get the idea.

Sure, we periodically get those rather ominous e-mails from the UWPD, warning us random shootings, stabbings, beatings and general accostings all around the U-District.

Often, these little notes of pithy terror will be long on scary details and short on how we can avoid becoming the next batch of victims.

A typical example is, “Dear UW student … a scary-unknown-but-average-sized man/woman confronted a random student in the middle of the night in some dark alley and demanded money/valuables before fleeing the scene and not getting caught, etc.”

So yes, why should we be scared? What’s so scary about that? Well, OK, it’s a little frightening.

But just because the number of “unconnected” attacks has increased at “random” doesn’t mean we should focus on being safe for safety’s sake. That would make too much sense. On the contrary, it’s already quite safe here at the UW, and we should throw so-called safety measures to the proverbial wind (or gale). I say it’s OK to walk home at 4 p.m. in broad daylight in groups that contain only five people armed with mace.

Speaking of mace, a friend has a tear-pepper-and-mace spray that’s a sort of aerosolized rat poison. That’s good for us, and bad for bad guys. But it’s not necessary, just not terribly necessary, or, rather, just necessarily terrible, or something like that.

Compared to certain parts of the world, or to certain slightly mythical situations, we’re already quite safe.

For example, we could be living in a quasi-medieval village tormented by an alcoholic dragon that spends its days torching our fields and homes. Or, perhaps, we could be living in a militant police state run by heartless and somewhat deranged robots. Another scenario could have us living on a distant colony planet under siege by ferocious alien invaders (cut off from reinforcements from Earth and gravely outnumbered, to boot).

But yes, the important thing to remember is that it could somehow be much worse, in some way, sometime. If you let your mind focus on the fear, you’ll probably snap like a cheap gingerbread cookie on a cold day. And that wouldn’t be pretty. I can just imagine the crumbs lying on the road.

So my advice is to count our secure blessings and not let vague threats of violence keep us indoors. After all, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

[Reach columnist Will Mari at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]

Be scared:

I’m scared, and you should be too. If you’re not, then you obviously need to start checking your e-mail more often. There’s a wave of crime infecting the University District like a disease that only strikes at night when you’re alone and walking through a secluded alley. And it’s coming for you.

Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of being too scared to go get belligerently drunk at a party. I mean it’s hard enough walking from one end of the U-District to another when you can barely recognize your own feet, but now I have to worry about getting attacked, too?

Talk about an incentive to stay at home and Facebook the party pictures the next day.

That’s why I applaud UW president Mark Emmert for increasing the number of police in general and upping the amount of officers who will patrol our streets during the busiest party hours. I can finally throw caution to the wind and start prancing around deserted alleyways in the middle of the night, belting acid rock lyrics without a worry in the world.

But is it enough?

If anything, I think the increase in officers patrolling the area will only lead the criminals to try more creative measures. Maybe they’ll start attacking us on busy streets, or during the daytime, when there are no patrol officers circling around in their cars.

Which is why I think we should up the ante. If we’re going to have some form of safety, we should at least be 100 percent certain of it. I’m talking about cameras on every corner of every street, and police officers standing underneath in full camouflage and riot gear, ready to pounce on anyone who looks at them funny.

They should also install stadium lighting along every street, rather than the puny orange glow lights we have these days. There should be absolutely no dark corners for these people to hide in.

Oh, but there’s more. Just like the government has done with terrorists, I believe we should start monitoring everyone’s Facebook and MySpace profiles and phone conversations for any type of suspicious activity. If they suspect that the person is about to go out and ruin someone’s Friday night, then they should be tortured with feathers and sent to Cuba.

I shouldn’t have to rely on street smarts to live in a city. I shouldn’t need to use logic and good thinking if I want to walk in the U-District at night. I pay hard-earned tuition money to learn, not to fear. So start putting that dough to good use, and let’s start that wire-tapping. Then we’ll be safe, right?

[Reach columnist Eric Uthus at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]