I have been called callous, insensitive and apathetic, and with good reason: I often find myself struggling to understand the motivations of others. I do not, on a general level, understand what the big deal is, or the small deal, or really what the deal is at all. Ignorance not being my most glorious quality; I set about to remedy this situation and possibly help out some other confused individuals in the process.

So, for people like me, here’s a quick guide: Caring, for the uninitiated:

Occasionally, people will get emotional when arguing or speaking with you and will, from that point forward, cease employing higher-order, rational thought processes. This phenomena manifests in discussions about petty and trivial subjects as well as subjects that actually matter.

The reason for these emotionally emphatic utterances is that the world is in “Caring Equilibrium.” To explain: myself and many of you — my dear readers — are bestowed with less “Caring”, while others were given an overabundance. This overabundance of Caring overwhelms many people, causing them to “care” for things and making it impossible for them to interact with you in any cogent fashion. This is not your fault but neither is it theirs, as there is simply a disconnect in communicative patterns.

The first step to dealing with someone who cares excessively is to identify that they do in fact care about something so much that they render themselves incompetent.

When this classification has been made, you may approach the rest of your interaction with them in several ways, the most convenient of which is to agree with them as it will typically, studies show, inflict upon them brevity — and brevity, my dear caring readers, is the only real goal for the Caring-less.

The greatest principle you can remember as you endeavor to set along the path to Caring is that, while you may eventually feel the twinges of passion, you should reject these sensations. These bizarre feelings affirm that you are beginning to care about something.

Remember, however, that in order to maintain the Caring Equilibrium in the world, these feelings should be discouraged.

You will falter and fail on occasion, as you come to find that caring about certain subjects is enjoyable and, at times, an attractive quality to the opposite sex, which you may find yourself caring to impress.

Though you may not truly understand why you must fight this good fight, you must invest in my words and pursue the apathetic life granted you. That I should care enough to levy this advice is the obvious err of my humanity, and the request that you care enough to heed my advice, dear readers, is one terribly ironic conundrum.

Reach photo editor John McLellan at opinion@dailyuw.com