Mad Scientists Assemble At Harvard

BOSTON — Lap dancing, research and education intersected at the Ig Nobel Prize ceremony hosted by Harvard University last Thursday. In this wacky ritual, distinguished scientists donned costumes, serenaded the audience and toted dummy substitutes for their absent colleagues.

Marc Abrahams, publisher of the Annals of Improbable Research, presided over the quirky ceremony.

“If you didn’t win an Ig Nobel prize tonight — and especially if you did — better luck next year,” Abrahams quipped.

Among the motley of actual Nobel laureates who attended the event was chemist William Lipscomb. Lipscomb and his dummy foil presented the awards.

The Ig Nobel Economics prize was given to Brent Jordan and Geoffrey Miller of the University of New Mexico for discovering that lap dancers earn money more easily when they are ovulating.

“Scientists can learn a lot from lap dancers,” said Jordan in a pithy, but well-received acceptance speech.

Deborah Anderson, of Boston University Medical School, attempted to describe what inspired her research on Coca-Cola as a form of birth control by alluding to a Catholic boarding school in Puerto Rico. Anderson cited a practice in vogue by girls attending the school.

“Coca-Cola does kill sperm in one minute,” she said. But it is not fast enough,“so we don’t advocate douching with Coke for contraception.”

Other prizes were awarded to researchers from around the world, including Brazilian scientists who linked armadillos to archeology and French scientists investigating the springing capacity of fleas.

All research conducted by the awardees was valid in the sense that it was legitimately published and peer-reviewed.

English University Pursues Nazi Hazers

GLOUCESTERSHIRE, ENGLAND — The latest in the constant barrage of scandalous films circulating the Internet is one depicting the reenactment of Nazi executions. But instead of shooting their victims, the Nazi impersonators cause initiates to throw up violently.

This is just one of many sadistic hazing practices that have been occurring at the University of Gloucestershire, according to an article in the Times Online.

One year after the footage was shot, the University is commencing an investigation to identify the perpetrators. The University has a ban on such initiation ceremonies.

The video was filmed by Natalie Sutton, a broadcast journalism major as part of a class project. Like the subjects of her video, Sutton was also involved in hazing.

In a segment on the BBC, Sutton reported, “We ended up in a dark basement where raw fish was stuffed down our bras and we were told to eat a nausea-inducing mixture of cat food, eggs and breakfast cereal topped with Bovril ... People were crying and vomiting.”

A second-year rugby player told the Times that the sports team initiation rites had been a campus tradition for 20 years.

“Everybody wants to take part,” he said. “And it’s not like you’re forced into it.”

Paul Drake, director of communcations at the University, promised punishment for those involved.

“Disciplinary action may be brought against those who are found to be leading initiation ceremonies,” he said.

Reach columnist Sara Grimes at news@dailyuw.com.