A couple days ago an article appeared by professor Betsy Crouch suggesting that the United States adopt the French presidential election format in order to decrease campaign slander and increase voter turnout.

Among the reasons listed for this support were: a 5-week campaign period, laws that would keep polls from being broadcast until after the election and a campaign system partially funded by the government to encourage anyone to run.

Simply put, following the political tendencies of a socialist-leaning nation like France is absolutely ludicrous. If we need advice on how to surrender to Nazis or be defeated at Waterloo then we’ll go to them. But before you write me off as another right-wing wacko who hates France without due cause, let’s examine why these reasons are mundane and impractical.

First, the 5-week campaign is like the pirate code — it’s really more like guidelines than actual rules. The 5-week period is only the “official” time period in which television and radio advertisements can be played. However, as admitted by Crouch herself, any serious candidate starts door-to-door, sign and telephone campaigning months in advance. In other words, this law is weak and circumvented constantly.

Second, Crouch claims “it is illegal in France to broadcast election polls prior to the election” — the key phrase being “in France.” It is not illegal, however, for companies in Belgium, Switzerland, Britain, or any other foreign entity to poll French voters and publish their findings. Thus, any French voter who is not a hobbit or completely disconnected from the outside world can have poll results pulled up on their iPhone faster than you can say “croissant.”

Finally, the thought that allowing everyone the chance to run for president is a good idea — especially through the use of government funds — is flat-out laughable. Why would you trade people who know the inner-workings of politics, have a thorough understanding of the issues and actually know the meaning behind phrases such as “pork-barrel spending” for people like Joe the Plumber as candidates to lead the free world?

In fact, the only mildly viable reason for supporting this impractical electoral process is to have Election Day on Sunday instead of Tuesday. But would that even be a feasible alternative? Many polling places are in churches, and Sunday is most Americans’ day of worship. Moreover, the election occurs in November — smack dab in the middle of football season. This idea, like the others, is not really worthy of consideration.

The reason people don’t vote is not because they can’t get time off from work. In fact, federal law requires that companies allow employees time to vote. People don’t vote because they don’t think their vote matters or they’re apathetic. Changing days will not affect the voter turnout rate as much as you think, professor.

Since we can’t appreciate France for its voting structure, I’m curious if we can really appreciate France for anything more than its history at this point. After consulting an official E.U. poll asking people what France’s greatest contribution to the world has been, it turns out to be the cuisine, which managed to narrowly edge out the invention of the frying pan, the hot air balloon and a little thing called the universal declaration of human rights

Oh, France. Hopefully you know that we’ll always enjoy watching your silly antics and your ridiculous 36-hour workweek, but understand: here in the real world, we simply can’t emulate you.

Reach columnist Jeff Dickson at opinion@dailyuw.com