MUSIC PIRACY IS BORROWING WITHOUT PERMISSION

I shouldn’t be writing this column. Really, I shouldn’t, because I’m fully aware that within 24 hours of this article being published, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) will come crashing through my cabin windows, stun grenade and lawsuit in hand.

You see, I am a musical pirate. And no, I’m not talking about the nuts who roam the seven seas, fighting giant sea monsters and getting into unnecessary love triangles that seem to drag on forever. I am talking about the type that sail around campus with enough stolen music to make Metallica have a communal heart attack.

But I am not the only pirate around. Heck, I’d bet everyone who reads this column has been a pirate at one point or another. Oh yeah, you may argue that it was “just” one Carrie Underwood album, or you just wanted to see that episode of American Gladiators you missed last week because you were shipwrecked. But in the end, you’re just as guilty as me.

Unfortunately for us, the RIAA has never heard of parlay.

Quite to the contrary. The RIAA is cutthroat and ruthless, and will sue you no matter how innocent or ignorant you may think you are to the act of stealing. I’d bet that even little children aren’t safe from the grasp of the RIAA’s lawyers.

But we pirates are fighting back. And I guess it’d make sense that we’d have a place like The Pirate Bay, a popular BitTorrent site, to help us lead the fight against music corporations and anti-piracy companies such as MediaDefender.

Seriously though, at this point, I feel like I should have a parrot on my shoulder or something.

So why do I steal this musical booty from those artists who work day and night to bring us pleasure at parties, clubs and our bedrooms late at night with the iTunes visualizer on full screen? Two reasons. First off, I feel as though most artists have made enough money that they don’t need my $16.99. I’m sorry, but I don’t care if you can’t buy that second yacht because you didn’t sell another 10,000 albums.

More importantly, I feel that most of the music that comes out these days doesn’t deserve my money. You want me to pay you for your work of art? Then make it worth paying for. If your idea of music is saying, “Superman dat hoe,” for four straight minutes, don’t think I’m going to give you any of the money I worked hard to get by pillaging villages.

In the end, we just want to have the choice of giving to those we respect, and stealing from those we don’t care about. I mean, let’s be honest. It’s hard out there for a pirate. Argh!

[Reach columnist Eric Uthus at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]

MUSIC PIRATES SHOULD BE HANGED

I believe Commodore Norrington from The Pirates of the Caribbean summed it up nicely. Pirates, he said, are “vile and dissolute creatures, the lot of them. I intend to see that any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves: a short drop and a sudden stop.”

Hear hear!

The Recording Industry Association of America needs your help. Yes, that’s right.

Music pirates are on the loose. These nefarious characters are destroying the livelihood of everyone from Yo-Yo Ma to 50 Cent. These starving artists depend on your generous patronage to survive, and every illegal act of online “borrowing without permission” deprives musicians of the funds they need to buy another house in the Caribbean.

To put it bluntly, if you download music from the ‘Net without paying for it, you’re taking food from the mouths of small children, and should be hanged from the neck until dead…figuratively.

I think Red Square would be an appropriate site for a hanging, with the chimneystacks serving as the perfect platform. Of course, this would mean the sacrifice of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of undergraduates, many of whom are classmates and acquaintances, but the lesson wouldn’t be forgotten anytime soon. The scourge of Internet music piracy must be purged from the earth!

I’m kidding, of course.

We shouldn’t hang our peers. We should turn them in to the proper authorities. You could get money. Sure, you’d be sticking a knife in your friends’ backs for cash, but think of what you could do with the money. Pay off student loans. Buy a pair of designer jeans.

According to SC Magazine, the Business Software Alliance, a group that represents major software companies, announced last summer that it will offer $1 million to informants who turn in software pirates. That’s a lot of money.

Granted, this reward isn’t being offered for video or music pirates yet, but it should be. My piratical comrade is arguing that we should only pay for what we think deserves our respect.

Why, then, do we plunk down our hard-earned dough on fast food that clogs our arteries? Using the twisted logic of pirates, if we don’t “feel” that something deserves our respect, we shouldn’t have to pay for it.

Hogwash, I say.

The music industry should not be pillaged. It should be supported and cuddled like a spoiled child — err, I mean, protected and defended like a ship full of bounty. Do your duty, and buy a CD. Even if it hurts, you’ll be doing the right thing. Don’t be a pirate.

[Reach columnist Will Mari at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]