Chuck Norris kicks political butt:

Who cares about which political endorser “packs the most punch,” when the real question is, who can roundhouse kick you in the face without breaking a sweat? Who can single-handedly stop global warming, watch our borders and knit holiday sweaters for all the impoverished children around the world, before lunch?

Chuck Norris can.

Chuck Norris, a.k.a. Walker, Texas Ranger, is clearly the person you want to have alongside you on the campaign trial — no one can have your back and give you the sense of security Chuck can. Therefore, it makes sense for former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee to have Norris as his main political endorser, showing up in commercials and hanging around at rallies, all the while looking out for irate ninjas or Viet Cong assassins.

Chuck Norris is, well, Chuck Norris. He’s the man. He has an entire Web site dedicated to all the amazing things he can do. And yeah, they’re all completely factual, otherwise I doubt the site would be called “Chuck Norris Facts.”

So eat it, people who thought you couldn’t kill two stones with one bird, or divide by zero. Chuck Norris has done it — multiple times. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he counts to infinity just to fall asleep at night.

Now I’m aware that Barack Obama snatched up his own demigod to campaign with him, but there’s a big difference between Oprah and Chuck Norris. First off, Oprah Winfrey can’t roundhouse kick you into yesterday. More importantly, Chuck Norris could kick Oprah Winfrey’s ass, with both hands and feet tied behind his back.

They don’t say actions speak louder than words for nothing.

I mean, yeah, Oprah would probably pull out her typical emotional junk and try to get Chuck Norris to “talk about his feelings,” but Oprah doesn’t realize that Chuck doesn’t feel emotion, especially feelings like compassion or sadness. I would guess that the only time Chuck comes close to feeling sadness is when he realizes that he can’t do everything at once, because he’s already done it at least twice.

Furthermore, Oprah’s zombie army of suburban housewives would easily fall under the spell of Norris’ facial hair and suave nature. You can’t look at that scraggily beard and those piercing eyes without feeling the deepest levels of love — or lust — or the type of fear that makes you crap your pants.

Obama is apparently “the candidate of change,” but how much change can his Oprah endorsement bring? A new tome for her book club, or some healthy eating tips from her magazine? No please, enjoy your futile attempt to lose weight and stop watching TV, while Chuck cures diseases with his tears and stops the conflict with Iran by threatening to go there himself.

So when it comes down to it, the choice is pretty simple. You can imagine that words and heart-to-heart discussions will make some inane difference, or you can snap back to reality and realize that this world needs a legitimate ass kicking. Because when you get down to it, there’s only one endorser who can beat the competition. Literally.

[Reach columnist Eric Uthus at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]

Oprah rocks:

I’ve been called upon to defend the honor of the queen of talk, Oprah Winfrey. This is rather akin to defending Santa Claus, Ronald McDonald or Superman. But let’s get down to business.

My esteemed colleague and I are debating who packs the most political punch, or who would win in a fight.

I’ll start with a confession. I love Chuck Norris, I really do. And it seems obvious that a chiseled, if old, action hero, would “beat up” a well-proportioned talk show host.

But Oprah is so much more than a mere TV figure. She is a symbol and a rallying cry for millions of women around the world. The mere mention of a book’s title on her show can catapult the author into global fame. Yes, I know that “there isn’t a beard behind Norris’ chin, just a another fist,” and that “Norris can kill two stones with one bird.”

But every fan of Chuck Norris has a mom, and all those moms — or at least the vast majority of them — are fans of Oprah. And Oprah has endorsed Illinois Sen. Barack Obama for president. This “Oprah effect” has helped boost Obama’s campaign into overdrive.

And do you know why? More women vote than men. According to the Center for American Women and Politics at Rutgers University (sounds rather authoritative, doesn’t it?), 8.8 million more women than men voted in the 2004 presidential election, with voter turnout at 60.1 percent for women and 56.3 percent for men. That is the biggest gap in history, a gap that’s been increasing every year since 1980. The numbers don’t lie. Chuck Norris can’t punch out physics. To state the obvious: he isn’t God.

So if Oprah can marshal her zealous legions of fans, Norris’ backing of Huckabee is all for naught. The sheer emotional power of Oprah is simply too much.

All Oprah has to do is invite Norris on her show. He would, of course, expect an easy victory, with one roundhouse kick to the face and all that jazz. But as Oprah’s show started and the audience went wild, Norris would stagger onstage, looking embarrassed and out of place in front of most of the moms in America. Fighting back tears, he would slump into Oprah’s famous coach. She would ask him how he keeps in fighting shape and how he’s been coping with all the recent media attention.

The outwardly tough but still very emotionally insecure Norris would start to cry.

Knockout.

Oprah wins without having to lift a finger. And, just in case Norris somehow found the strength to stand up again, Oprah would unleash her secret weapon: Stedman Graham. The longtime beau of Ms. O is utterly devoted to her, and would throw his life away if that’s what it took to stop Norris.

So Oprah would win in a fight. But true to her code, she would publicly forgive him and invite him back on her show, and then maybe, just maybe, he could get his own show on her new network launching next year. Just like Dr. Phil, Norris would eventually become an Oprah fan himself.

[Reach columnist Will Mari at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]