YES, Facebook is a drug

Stop checking your New Year’s Eve pictures already. No one actually cares that you got so drunk, you were as effective in bed as this year’s Space Needle fireworks extravaganza.

And in case you were so wasted you didn’t catch it, they failed twice at getting the fireworks to launch, and ended up doing the entire finale by hand. So stick that in your hat, Mr., “I think I’m so popular because I have tons of friends even though I don’t talk to 90 percent of them.” Yeah, you know who you are, Facebook user.

Anyway, I remember in the fifth grade when we had a DARE officer come in to talk to us about drugs. At the time, he told us to not cower under the peer pressure we would receive from our friends and prom dates, and to stay away from cocaine, alcohol and marijuana.

I wasn’t aware that half of those drugs even existed, so I was pretty enthralled by the whole spiel. Better yet, I received a certificate just by making some silly promise that I would keep away from all those nasty things.

Apparently he didn’t realize that I would be a college kid someday, or he would have made me sign a contract and take down my fingerprints.

Looking back, however, I wish our DARE officer had been some sort of seer or prophet, because he could have then warned us of a more life-threatening drug that would not only suck in our lives, but make us look like giant losers in the process.

Facebook is worse than pot, cocaine and LSD, even if you took them at same time and went to a Grateful Dead concert. Because at least with those drugs, you’re out doing something. Yeah, you may be going insane in the middle of some public park with a bunch of hemp-wearing hippies, but at least you’re getting some fresh air.

With Facebook, or as I have come to call it, “Satan’s address book,” addicts develop similar symptoms to other known drug users. They become pale, hairless and highly agitated, especially if you don’t respond to their wall posts within 15 seconds. Furthermore, they have a tendency to lurk in dark places and drink the blood of virgins, but that could just be a side effect of living the “college lifestyle.”

The worst part of it all is that it’s become cool for kids to check their profiles every five minutes, even if they’re in class or taking a medical exam. Suddenly, knowing everything about everyone’s life is somehow fascinating, even if you find out they’re just as pathetic and lonely as you are.

So don’t be fooled by my counterpart’s argument. Hell, I bet he went on Facebook just to find it.

For while the government is busy fighting the war on drugs in the streets, there’s another war on drugs going on in our own bedrooms. And it’s winning you over, one news feed update at a time.

[Reach columnist Eric Uthus at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]

NO, Facebook is not a drug

Facebook is so not a drug. I can quit whenever I want. Really.

Let me explain. I think we’re confusing drugs with something that makes us happy … ah, yeah. Facebook is simply a social networking site. It has allowed millions of people to not only meet for the first time, but also to express themselves as individuals. According to the site’s statistics, there are more than 60 million active users, with an average of 250,000 new registrations per day since January 2007.

To put it another way, it’s not a drug — it’s a phenomenon. Like a tidal wave of socialization, it’s the living embodiment of the concept of six degrees of freedom. Kevin Bacon would be proud. What’s wrong with that?

Just because a few people abuse this wonderful gift to humanity doesn’t make it bad. My honorable opponent is comparing Facebook to pot, cocaine or LSD. That’s not fair. I spend four hours — six tops — on the Face. I need it. I can’t live without it … err … I mean, it’s fun to spend hours online catching up with old friends. And then checking on my news feed. And then making sure I’ve replied to all my wall posts. Yes, I’ll admit that it takes some time, but don’t all things that are truly worthwhile?

But perhaps that’s not the best analogy, since bad habits take time, too. Facebook, however, is a good habit — like washing your hands. Over and over again. Well, that’s not good either. But you get my point, right?

Moving on. Did I mention the applications? Facebook apps allow a whole new level of interactivity. Sure, the ceaseless invites to join random groups (“Pink elephants are hard to not think about”) can be a bit annoying, but some groups are useful (for example, “Mike lost his cell phone … again” and “If this group reaches 500,000 people, my professor will give me an A”).

And yes, the other invites to become a vampire or play board games can also become irritating, but they’re hardly addictive. I just can’t stop … making sure my time is used effectively. *Insert nervous laughter.*

A closer analog for Facebook is caffeine. Some people need their quick fix, others need a prolonged injection — I mean, infusion — of the vibrant life found on the Internet. That’s how it is with Facebook.

As long as you have really strong filtering software, you’ll hardly ever find something bad online. Just don’t search for anything regarding the human body.

But back to the matter at hand. I’ll concede that some people are a little too preoccupied with Facebook, but they’re hardly addicted. That’s like saying someone can get hooked on water. Of course, people have to drink water or face a slow death by thirst, but that’s not quite what I’m saying. It’s more like water mixed with beer, like the grog served to sailors in the Royal Navy to keep them happy on long voyages to the middle of the ocean.

Granted, many of these poor saps had been snatched from their homes and made to sail the seven seas at swordpoint. So if they got slightly reliant on the more enjoyable aspects of alcohol, that’s understandable.

So go forth and log on to your Facebook profiles. I bet you could delete your account today if you wanted. OK, maybe next week, but yes, you could go cold turkey and stop. Maybe.

[Reach columnist Will Mari at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.]