For as long as I can remember, I’ve never heard of anyone having an erection for four hours or more. Maybe it’s because they’re not man enough, or possibly because they’ve never seen the point in doing such a thing, but I can’t vouch for knowing anyone that has that kind of staying power.

Needless to say, it looks like we might have to start paying attention to our junk mail folder a little more.

Day in and day out, we’re generally bombarded with emails that try desperately to persuade us to buy some Cialis or Viagra. Usually they contain such classy subject lines as, “Fwd: XXX Make It Huge” or more notably, “Get Vi@gr@ Free! Buy Now”. I’ve always assumed that they never stopped to think that I’m a twenty-year-old college student, and therefore erectile dysfunction is probably the least of my worries (along with mortgage rates and my insurance plan).

However, after realizing that these medications can give you the power of Thor for almost four to six hours, I began to doubt myself. Was I really giving it my all? What does it say about me if my erection only lasts around three hours and forty-five minutes? Does my body even have enough blood to sustain consciousness for that long?

I decided to do some web surfing and find out for myself what all the fuss was about. What I found truly shocked me. It turns out that these medications not only have the ability to work for up to 36 hours, but they generally have mild side effects, such as headaches, back pain or an upset stomach. If you’re old enough you could possibly get a heart attack and die, but for someone who’s in their prime, this is the bees knees, man.

You have to admit that these folks know how to advertise their products. First of all, you have the hundred or so emails that get sent out to you every day. This can be seen as a friendly reminder that although you may not have erectile dysfunction at the moment, it could hit you any day now, because you’re getting older by the minute. But don’t worry, there’s a pill that can solve the problem, and then some.

Then of course you have the television commercials. These things are a stroke of genius, because they surround you with so many feel-good images of people having a great time that you start to forget that they have a medical condition. Actually, they do such a good job of selling the “look how much fun these people are having” ticket that you almost start to feel that maybe you’re missing out because you don’t have erectile dysfunction.

I can’t tell you how many times my friends and I have seen a Cialis commercial and felt a pang of jealousy.

Now I would assume at this point you’re all thinking, “But Eric, how do I know if I have erectile dysfunction?” Well, if your significant other hasn’t already given you a clue by the bout of laughter they had the other night while you desperately tried to make love to them, fear not. Singapore’s Society for Men’s Health, along with a pharmaceutical firm, have proposed a scale that will actually rate that bulge in your pants. Currently, the rating goes as high as a cucumber, which apparently is what you’re shooting for, and as low as tofu, which finally cements my theory that tofu is inherently evil.

I’ll admit that I’ve never looked at an erection in terms of food. Until now, I’ve always assumed that one relates their erection in terms of comic book hero the Incredible Hulk. At the lowest end you have Bruce Banner in human form, all normal looking and just kind of lazing around. And on the other end you have the Incredible Hulk, a big green machine that rips through all forms of clothing, except his shorts, and repeatedly yells, “Hulk Smash!”. It’s good to know I was sort of on the right track, since a cucumber and the Incredible Hulk are very similar, if only in color.

It’s scary, however, to think that one day Bruce Banner won’t be able to transform. That one day, maybe tomorrow, cucumbers will become a thing of the past. But with the powers of modern medicine, we no longer need to have this fear. The Hulk shall live on, forever.

Reach columnist Eric Uthus at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.