The death of Rebecca Griego due to a domestic dispute brought back memories from my childhood. Although her case was extreme, the impact and prevalence of domestic violence is often ignored, to the detriment of women and children nationwide.

According to the Family Violence Protection Fund, nearly one-third of all American women are abused by their boyfriends or husbands at some point in their lives. Ladies, this isn't something that happens to "other people" who date bad guys; there is a 33 percent chance that you, in some way, will be abused.

Abuse isn't necessarily physical violence. It could also be verbal or psychological, which can have equally damaging effects.

I had friends who were never hit by their fathers but were emotionally destroyed by verbal abuse. One friend was kept up late at night, sometimes several times a week, by her father screaming degrading insults to her and her mother. In high school, she had ulcers, incredibly low self-esteem and eating disorders, and she even cut herself.

Abuse destroys emotional stability, so why do so many women stay with their abusive husbands and boyfriends? Having, to some degree, experienced domestic violence, and having many friends and family members from violent homes, I have sworn that I will never allow myself to stay in an abusive relationship.

To ensure this, I have spent many hours contemplating why women decide to stay with abusive husbands, and why this violence occurs in the first place. Understanding why women stay with assholes reflects their social status and, in many cases, how they get into these situations.

Domestic abuse commonly follows a cycle where abuse occurs, is followed by profuse apologies and promises to never act violent again, and is then followed by forgiveness.

For a period, the relationship is stable and happy, until it once again escalates and the household is walking on eggshells because any minute someone could crack. This cyclical process allows women to deny the reality of their circumstances and make excuses for the abuse.

But why? Why should anyone excuse something so utterly wrong? There are many answers depending on the woman, as well as upon her ethnicity, class and lifestyle.

Probably the most common excuse is financial. Especially in already-poor families, single motherhood almost guarantees poverty.

Women may decide to stay with their husbands to ensure their children are fed, clothed and can attend college, even though the emotional cost for many children is far greater than the financial cost.

Another reason is fear of change. Even if a woman is financially stable, she may not want to uproot her home, her children and her life, especially if divorce could be violent. In many abusive homes, restraining orders are necessary, and moving towns and jobs may be also be necessary.

These changes may be emotionally straining, and women may decide to deal with the outbursts if everything is all right the rest of the time. But why does it happen in the first place, and so regularly? This question has plagued me for many years.

Why are so many women treated so badly by the men they love, and in many cases, the men who love them?

I believe the problem is in the social structure itself and gender norms. Women are supposed to be sensitive, to share their feelings and to be empathetic to others. They are also generally expected to take a double workload, with their occupation and raising the family, cooking meals and cleaning the house.

Following these norms, women will share their problems with their husbands, maybe complaining that he never helps around the house while also remaining empathetic to his job requirements and violent behavior.

On the other hand, men are supposed to be strong, never cry or share their feelings and provide substantial income to their families. Therefore, men often let their anxiety and frustrations simmer because they can't share them with their wives. They may also believe their wives are nagging because they share their feelings.

And finally, throw in the unequal power structure between men and women. Men generally make more money, and society places them above women.

Men take out their frustrations on women, and women take it. Even worse, boys who have abusive fathers tend to be abusive themselves, and girls with abusive fathers tend to marry abusive men.

These contrasting gender roles and traditionally unequal relations between men and women need to change for domestic violence to end.

Women need to be treated as equals, and responsibilities in a marriage need to be spread equally.

For the sake of millions of children who experience domestic abuse and who must deal with emotional trauma on top of the stress of being a hormonal teenager, this needs to change. Women are still only theoretically equal.

Reach columnist Brooke McKean at opinion@thedaily.washington.edu.