By
Erin Hicks
October 18, 2007
"Most love in fact starts out as limerance, but most limerance never evolves into love." - Dr. Dorthy Tennov
This summer I was convinced I had fallen in love. The object of my affection and I ran in a similar social circle, bonding over after-work beers, pool and a fondness for '90s grunge rock. But he was hard to read: He'd act interested one day and indifferent the next. From the get-go he played me hot and cold. But it hurt so good, and the masochist in me enjoyed the chase.
We went on a few dates, and if hand-holding was a base, we'd have at least rounded third on a couple of muggy summer nights. How little I was to know our first kiss would also be our last.
Shortly after things were looking good, the flirtatious emails and Facebook messages came to a screeching halt. His rejection threw me in a deep state of melancholy for weeks — the kind that prompted me to download sappy Sarah McLachlan songs, like "Ice Cream," and listen to them on repeat.
I know I wasn't in love; I mean, love? I barely knew the guy. So why am I left now, moping around on Friday nights and listening to whiny songs about ice cream?
I did what any self-respecting college student would do: turn to Wikepedia for answers. And, after Googling around, I finally found the word to describe my ailment. It wasn't love I was in. I was deep in a cesspool of limerance.
The limerance theory was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1977. Like lice, leprosy or any other affliction that starts with an "L," it's not to be taken lightly. Wikipedia defines limerance theory as "an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person."
Though for brief moments limerance may be reciprocated, it is by definition as unstable as an unbonded electron. It's also usually unrequited, which explains why it sucks so much.
Signs you may have a severe case of limerance: heart palpitations, trembling and weakness deep in your body's epicenter, the chest. When the object of your limerance is in close proximity, you're filled with hope and uncertainty. You neglect other things, like your friends, work and hygiene. Your senses are heightened; You can suddenly hear dogs barking in Canada. In times of mutuality, you're filled with ecstasy. And in times of rejection, complete despair and ice cream-related weight gain.
Though often dismissed as "having a crush," limerance cannot be confused as love or a crush. Crushes are fleeting, sparked by physical attraction. Love takes longer to develop, and occurs after knowing a person for who they are, not who you build them up to be.
Limerance is a game, sustained by hope and fear and uncertainty. To win is to strategize — leaving the other guessing and wanting more. To lose is to be honest about how you feel. The less interested your limerant lover is, the more you want them, and the very mystery and indifference that characterizes your relationship is ultimately what destroys it.
By the end of the summer, I realized I had more conversations with my limerant lover in my head than in real life. What I fell in love with wasn't him, but instead the idea of him, and the desire to win him over.
If you've ever been in a similar situation, ask yourself if what you feel is the gentle pulsating of possible love. Or is it the fast and furious beat of limerance, which will always turn out to be a beautiful mistake?
Next Thursday: Limerance part 2, a textersation gone terribly, terribly wrong.
[Reach reporter Erin Hicks at features@thedaily.washington.edu.]
13 Comments
#1 Diane Hesseman
on November 12, 2007 at 7:14 a.m.(Akron, OH | Unverified Name)
Wow, you are one great writer! I'm a writer myself, professionally, and I'm humbled. Your article was sent to me because of an ebook I'm working on, and I would like to quote it. The ebook is about the biochemical nature of "romantic love". May I quote a bit of your take on it? It would be with reference, of course.
#2 Erin Hicks
on November 15, 2007 at 9 p.m.(Seattle, WA | Unverified Name)
Sure! You can email me at echicks@u.washington.edu if you'd like to discuss further.
#3 Nathan
on November 19, 2007 at 11:08 p.m.(Salt Lake City, UT | Unverified Name)
Good article! Check your spelling on Limerence though. Tennov spelled it with 3 "e"s. A much better source than Wiki would be her book which was actually published in 1979. According to Tennov, this type of love is also USUALLY reciprocated, like your example, but definately not usually unrequited. What happened to Part 2?
#4 CB
on March 10, 2008 at 9:26 a.m.(Fort Wayne, IN | Unverified Name)
How does a 35 year marriage survive when one partner is in a "limerent" state. From going to counseling my husband knows he is Limerent, but continues to say "It's Voluntary." I guess I get that, but when is a person responsible for his own behavior? Can anyone help me as the wife of a man who is sick and possibly throwing away a wonderful future and marriage.
#5 CB
on March 10, 2008 at 9:28 a.m.(Fort Wayne, IN | Unverified Name)
My previous post stated that my husband continued to say "it's voluntary." what I meant to say was that I fell like he excuses his behavior by saying "It's involuntary."
#6 To CB
on April 20, 2008 at 9:54 a.m.(Eugene, OR | Unverified Name)
Well, It might help thinking of your husband as a person first and not a "sick man"- I have been a sufferer of limerance - and it really isn't in our control. It usually has to do with how our parents treated us growing up and it takes lots of support and counceling. You might want to be thankful you have a husband that is so attentitive and loving- even if it comes from an "unhealthy state"- you should give him lots of props for his courage in trying to become healthier. Unless you have walked in his shoes, you don't know how difficult it is, limerance truly shackles you beyond you own judgement and control, and is very difficult to keep handled becuase the stimulus becomes too much.
#7 Ryan R.
on September 7, 2008 at 2:22 a.m.(Seattle, WA)
I have been pondering this whole concept of limerance for some time now. After reading the Wikipedia article, I have been thinking about this concept almost as much as my 'limerant object.' What have been my conclusions?
First, I would like to say I get really sick and tired of all these labels. I understand the purpose of categorizing things as an easy way to identify and organize symptoms, but I think it is far too easy to group people together as to say all of their experiences are the same. It is too easy to make things black and white.
Therefore, when speaking of my 'limerant object,' I will refer to her as my 'friend.' That identity of 'limerant object' is so cold - so robotic.
So, I fit mostly the description of one who is limerant. My experience is very similar to yours. BUT, I think I have a different view of it. You said 'it sucks.' You know, I kinda like the euphoria. No, I love it. I love how it comes on out of nowhere.
When something did briefly happen between my friend and I, it was possibly the most enjoyable time of my life. She is still one of my best friends even though she is happy with her current boyfriend. Our connection is something to be happy about - even if she doesn't feel the same way I do. There IS a connection I will never take for granted or believe is fake.
I still believe that it is possible that we may have some kind of relationship together beyond friendship. Seems pretty unlikely, but why rule it out? We have a good time when we are together.
I've met a lot of girls, dated a few - all pretty average experiences. Great people, but I just didn't connect on a beyond-friends level.
What makes my friend so special? I don't know, but there is something there that isn't there with other girls I've met. I've been excited about other girls - but I end up getting bored just as usual. So what, are these feelings completely made up in my head? These involutary feelings just a culprit of a mental disorder known as 'limerance?' For awhile, I thought maybe that was the case.
But then I saw my friend again after not seeing her for about 2 years. She lived in Chicago - me in Seattle. Didn't have any expectations of anything that would/could happen. I was just completely myself, loose, and confident. What happened? Just like the first time I met her, we just clicked. It was no different. We were a team - a true force in hilarity and good times. Even after a 2 year hiatus of hanging out, the same feelings re-arose from deep within me. Unfortunately for me, she had been off and on with this other man for years and she is living with him now. After our escapade, she chose him. And she is happy. I'm thinking I just missed the boat. Many years is a perfectly good time for someone to fall in love with someone else.
Were our feelings for each other false? Masked by this 'limerance?' No, they absolutely were not. I just missed the train...
#8 Ryan R.
on September 7, 2008 at 2:23 a.m.(Seattle, WA)
Now I still think about her a lot. Doing all the things a 'limerant' person does - hoping, involuntarily feeling elated.
Do I need counseling? Am I sick? Am I obsessed? Absolutely not. Feeling this way is just my body's way of coping with the passing feelings of lonliness that I expereince from time to time. And it feels good. I am not unhappy.
Sure, I'd like to be with her, but I am in tune enough with the reality of the situation to know that the cards for that happening are not in my favor. She knows how I feel about her, but it isn't preventing us from being friends. I know my boundaries now that she is seeing someone else. Those rare times that I actually got to see her (although she has recently moved to Portland so that may change ;-)) in the past few years are really bold and meaningful to me. The honesty and respect we have for each other should not be discounted to some kind of labeled feeling. Those feelings are real. And as long as I am not hurting myself or others, if I want to hope that something might happen with us in the future, what's the harm? And who's to say something beautiful will never come out of this?
In conclusion, please don't be quick to label yourself or others. The only thing we can label ourselves is HUMAN. We are just human afterall...
Your thoughts please, Erin (cc them to ryan.rambo@gmail.com if you could, thanks :-))
#9 Erin H.
on September 8, 2008 at 7:03 p.m.(Bethlehem, PA)
CB: Just reading your comment now. A very interesting notion: your husband is in limerance (also spelt limerence) with you? How can that be? It is characterized as a game--but the fact that you two are married must mean feelings are mutual, correct? Wonder why at that point he would describe his feelings as limerence, not love...
#10 Lori G.
on September 23, 2008 at 3:19 p.m.(East Greenwich, RI)
This is to CB
It must be hard for you to be married to man that has a tendency to be Limerent. My husband and I have been to counseling because of my limerence. It makes him feel unloved and worry about the security of our relationship. But this doesn't take away any love I feel for him. I think it is something inside of me that needs to escape from the harsh realities of life. I get caught in fantasy that really has nothing to do with who my Limerent Object really is, but how I see him. Your husband probably feels tremendous guilt and feels like he can't control it because it feels almost like OCD.
My husband too believes that these labels are just labels and that I should be able to control my behavior. I do,for the most part, but it is a daily battle. If I look back at my life I realize that I have been limerent 4 times in my life and most recently for 11 years for the same person. (stronger at times when I am stressed) I wish I knew how not to be this way, but I am still working on it. In a perfect world, I wish my husband never discovered this secret side of me,but he did and demands that I work on these issues in therapy. If your husband is working on these things, then maybe it would be wise to just let him do the work and not throw away 35 years together.
#11 G. Costello
on November 4, 2008 at 3:16 p.m.(Dublin, Ireland | Unverified Name)
Oh my God I've not heard of Limerence until today and think I suffer with it and I mean suffer because as well as the highs there comes the lows ie. lack of energy through sleepless nights thinking and planning how to love the other person more
#12 Eva
on November 22, 2008 at 10:25 a.m.(Parow, South Africa | Unverified Name)
I have heard of this before. In fact I did my final Oral on the "Phsycology of Attraction" and used this theory amongst many. I am 18.
I find it difficult to see how limerance can be one-sided. Im not challenging the theory but I do know from my own and only experience that "mind games" (which is in essance what you are saying as the "thrill") are 2 sided.
The woman I know Im in love with is in her 30s and she is married. For 3 and a half years we've been close and its very taboo. I was ALWAYS attracted to her I just never knew it until a year ago...when I stopped denying my feelings. She flirted with me all the time my friends even know that she adores me. And I like it! Thats a mutual thing.
However at the end of this year, 3 weeks ago I knew I had to tell her becuase I could not stop loving her and I dont know why- so we spoke for 45mins and she a. was not surprised or angry she was even MORE mysterious b. she did not answer my questions directly c. she said things that were vague like "it is possible to love more than 1 person" etc etc. d. she didnt mind that a FEMALE WAS TELLING HER THIS (yet she is supposed to be hetro and she didnt know I was bisexual) e. she at the end asked if I thought she was trivialising the situation and I said no (even though her eyes were saying something else) "I think your rationalising it" and I said I respected her and she deserves anything she wants and that if she does ever need anything Ill be there (I meant it too) So I doubt on my part it is limerance but my question is TO DO WITH HER. DO YOU THINK HER FLIRTING AND SIGNALS ARE SUBCONSIOUS?? Is that possible that being subtle and using sexual undertones whenever we spoke was her outlet? Is she in denial, being married of course?
I of course, am very aware of emotions and I analyse everything so I once asked her "why do you care about me so much and she replied with a "if you dont know the answer to that by now.." and when I confronted her aabout it she paused and said "Ive just seen you change over the years and grow.." why is that difficult to believe- should I trust my instincts? I just want her honesty thats all. Becuase I dont know where we stand.
Limerant expert Erin; any help please? Email me thanks alot.
#13 Will P.
on April 29, 2009 at 9:39 p.m.(Sheffield, United Kingdom)
All romantic love is false and part of the human condition ie. a version of limerance. The simple fact is, as people,we want what we can't have. Everyone is the same in that respect. All romantic "limerance style love" is an illness- love between people that wants whats best of them is true love and that is something limerance never involves- it is the selfish desire for another. In truth there is no feeling the human mind cannot escape. Eventually everything will feel ok- thats how people work, thats how our minds work- we fix ourselves.
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