Contrary to popular belief, being a Hollywood actress is one of the hardest jobs in the country.

Just think about it every passing moment of your life is under extreme scrutiny. You're always trying to one-up the other people in the business, and in some cases, you have to pretend to act in movies.

This all seems kind of daunting, but I'm here to help. After some thorough investigating and many hours of research, I've created a sure-fire guide to becoming the next big Hollywood actress.

All right, so in order to get started, you'll have to take whatever self-confidence you have and completely toss it out the window. The most important concept behind being a great actress is constant self-hatred. Whether it's your weight, the clothes you wear, or that god-forsaken mole on your cheek, you can never be satisfied with your own image, because otherwise you would be rebelling against what our society is all about: loathing who you are.

Once you've gone through whatever diet plans, plastic surgeries or drug addictions that are necessary to perfect yourself physically, it's time to pick your first movie role. Now, I would recommend you do something that doesn't take a lot of effort, like a really cheesy horror film or possibly something directed by Michael Bay. Basically, you're looking for a movie in which the majority of your time will be spent either screaming or running around naked.

Which leads me to another important building block in your career: the infamous nude scene. Generally speaking, most actresses wait a couple movies before they decide to bare all. Some wait until they've got an Oscar-worthy performance to go the extra mile. Others do it in all of their films because they've realized that no one is watching them for their acting.

Whatever case you choose to follow, always know that you will never become truly successful until you fulfill every fanboy's wildest dream.

Anyway, now that you've become somewhat famous, you'll have to pick up a boyfriend so you're not walking on all of those red carpets by yourself. It's important, however, to remember a couple things when choosing that lucky someone.

First, you'll need to make sure that the guy is both a) less attractive then you are and b) less successful. The spotlight needs to be focused on you at all times because you are the only person who matters in this world and any light taken from you will lead to jealousy and probably a lawsuit.

Secondly, never become too involved with your significant other, because once things are going well, you're going to have to break up with or cheat on him. Hollywood never has been one to enjoy long term relationships or what some people call "love," so even when you're dating him, make sure you've always got that backup ready to go out with.

The final step to becoming famous is expanding your horizons and then failing horribly at it. Singing, dancing, maybe even theatre, you gotta try something you have no experience with, so after several years of disappointment you can receive pity from the general public because "you tried."

By this point, you will have made it big. You're the cream of the crop. Now, you may not be the most talented person in the world, or even respected, but you're famous. And that, my friends, is all that really matters in life.

— Eric Uthus

arts@thedaily.washington.edu