Let me start by saying that I am no fashion maestro. I own nothing with the word “Abercrombie” stapled across the chest, and some guy named Dungaree made my pants — I even wear black with blue every so often.

But this doesn’t mean that I don’t have the capability of noticing fashion trends that brink on the edge of brilliance. Therefore, before the Christmas shopping season begins in the next week or so, as it is never early enough, I thought I’d help all of you by coming up with a list of fashion must-haves that, if not purchased, will probably make you very unpopular, and maybe even ugly.

1) Ugg Boots — How it took the fashion industry this long to catch on to a trend that has been embraced by Eskimo and Inuit populations for centuries is beyond me. The only thing that scares me about these boots is the number of baby seals that are probably being clubbed every day in order to supply the demand for fur to hang off the top. That and sweatshop labor.

2) Stunna Shades — I’d really like to know the exact time someone was laying out in the sun one day and thought, “You know, I hate having to put sun block on my nose. What if I just made my sunglasses large enough that they covered my whole face? Brilliant!”

I’m pretty sure this was the same person who invented parachute pants and leg warmers, so if you ever meet him or her, do us a favor: Get them on the next season of Project Runway, because we need more things that shout “greatest idea since the Internet!”

3) Skirts — During Halloween weekend, I made the intelligent decision to dress up as a female cheerleader. Let me say that I finally understand why ladies insist on wearing the shortest possible skirts: Because a) nothing is warmer than the hair on your own two legs, and b) you get all the attention you could possibly imagine, even if it’s from the wrong group of people. Actually, if you think about it, designers are almost clairvoyant (which is just a big word for psycho or something), because they’ve already predicted the effects of global warming. That’s why they’re making everything skimpier, because eventually it’ll be too hot to wear anything. Might as well begin the process now, you know?

4) Utilikilts — There is a male side of the skirt trend that some of you may not be aware of. Utilkilts are basically long leather kilts with pockets that have become increasingly popular among the male “grunge” population. This trend only acts as further evidence for my theory that all grunge/heavy metal men are really closet metrosexuals. These are the sorts with posters of male models on their bedroom walls, interspersed with Kurt Cobain memorabilia of course.

4) Sandals — Remember when sandals were something you wore in the summer? Those days are gone, and sandals have apparently since acquired a variety of handy qualities. Not only do they seem to keep feet warm during subfreezing temperatures, they also have enough traction to stop people from flying head over heels in the middle of Red Square. Oh wait, I’m thinking of non-sandals.

5) Roughed-up jeans — Now this one is a message from God. First off, I’ve always wanted to own a pair of pants that a) are already damaged, and b) cost more than regular pants because they are already damaged.

Then there are the ones with all the paint marks and mud stains. Finally, I can persuade people that I just got off work, when in reality I just ended my three-hour power yoga class. Trust me, nothing is more deceiving than a really stained pair of jeans.

I stopped to think about how we came to these fashion decisions, and it dawned on me: Our culture is being run by sophisticated people like Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson and entrepreneurs from Laguna Beach. These fashion trends were inevitable.

I can now look hopefully ahead to the day that those “Idaho, no Udaho!” T-shirts start catching on.

Eric Uthus: ericuthus@thedaily.washington.edu